Saturday, June 17, 2006

A Kinder, Gentler America

couchI saw this ad on a vintage subway car. It's from some time before we were born:

Apparently, traffic safety was important enough to create images of children lying dead in a pool of their own blood. But further investigation leads to some startling discoveries. Clearly, anyone who drives does not keep their suit jacket buttoned while driving. Thus, what "struck" me was that the man who e
xited his car had time to button his suit jacket. Thus, he must have buttoned it prior to inspecting the child but after he got out of his car. Also, his hair is remarkably well-arranged despite the assumption that he slammed his brakes. Unless he did not slam his brakes but cheerfully slammed into the child to help us rid ourselves of careless, sloppy, non-safety-minded children. I'm going to assume the former.

So, to recap, the lesson here is: see child in street - slam brakes - hit child anyway - exit car and see child lying in pool of own blood - look around for fashion police - straighten hair - button suit jacket - investigate. I guess if you're guilty of vehicular homicide, there's no use committing a crime against fashion as well.


I also saw this gem:

To be perfectly honest, I had no idea what this ad was trying to tell me. All I knew was that it appears to be before women had the right to vote, but that when they DO get the right to vote, they'll unanimously vote for "GOLD DUST" (whatever that is). To top off the vague offensiveness, there are two naked Negro babies playing with dishes in the corner.

After a routine google search, it appears that "Gold Dust" was a popular brand of cleaning product that marketed itself as the brand women like because women naturally enjoy cleaning dishes more than anything else in the world, other than sitting on their lazy asses. Which is why they prefer Gold Dust because Gold Dust is represented by the twin Negro babies who do all the work for the women. Some other ads include slogans like "Someone must stay home to do the work of daughter, sister, maid" or copy like "If you're one of those women who like scientific 'reasons', we will explain how we save you time:" or "Let the gold dust twins do your work so you have time for ... everything else."

Wow, and here I thought they were trying to be offensive. How wrong I was.


Matt said...

The ad makes clear that its the childs fault-and that of his negligent parents.

Why rush to help the kid whose removal from the gene pool is laudable? Especially if it will muss your suit.

For those interested, there is an ad that features the Gold Dust twins, who I believe are named Goldie and Dustie, in Confederate States of America, which may still be playing at the IFC.

And I still think the Happy Coon Fried Chicken Restaurant chain was a bit better.

Ron Kagan said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying