shitparade

Hard Gay!

2007-03-19T12:53:00.000-04:00

There's a character on Japanese television named Razor Ramon the Hard Gay. I did a search for "cooking" and "ramen" on YouTube, expecting perhaps a nice recipe for ramen, but instead found Razor Ramon the Hard Gay, whose schtick includes wearing BDSM-enthusiast PVC jumpsuits and gloves, ramming his pelvis children's faces, and yelling "Hoooo!" with his hands in the air. In this episode, he molests one little boy until he eats green peppers! A novel approach to child rearing.

Uh...hi.

2007-03-12T17:53:00.000-04:00

Hey ya'll. I'm back. For now. I think. I know, it's been hard without me, and trust that it's been difficult on my end too. But I'm back, and I think pop culture owes me an explanation.
For one thing:

Britney Spears
Hi, what? Britney Spears gets to be a bulimic Jewish skinhead single mother of two? Since when do rich people get to have problems? They don't, Britney Spears. You're appropriating, and it's not fair. You also don't get to be a skinhead and a Jewish lady at the same time. Even Jewish men aren't allowed to shave their forelocks, and you've gone right past forelocks into American History X territory. Not to mention the tattoos, which is a straight up violation of Jewish - sorry, Kabbalistic - law. So hands off the star, Spears; we have enough trouble as it is. You'd do better with a chastity belt and a traceable collar with a direct line to the Promises staff. Speaking of which...

Rehab
OK, Hollywood. You've always loved giving yourself awards, and now that you're bored with awards, you're giving yourself treatments...for every problem that exists. Nasty habit of throwing phones at the help? Let rehab coddle your ego even more. Caught snorting half of Colombia? Rehab's the ticket. Lacking a work ethic? Head on down to rehab. How about this: Naomi Campbell doesn't have an anger management problem, she has a bitch with an enormous sense of entitlement problem. She needs to age badly and find a husband who will make her feel just a little bit worthless every now and again. Kate Moss needs a new boyfriend and some time with the kids, and Lindsay Lohan needs, oh I don't know - a parent. Britney Spears, Nicole Richie, and now Marc Jacobs - does every problem need a 28 day solution?

More to follow in the next post...you better prepare yourself, pop culture; I'm giving you a bigger once over than VH1.

Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend,

~Andrea

Live-Blogging the Hollywood Superbowl

2007-02-25T20:54:00.000-05:00

8:05pm - Anne Hathaway, not sure about that bow, but Emily Blunt, you look hot. Patricia Field looks like she Manic Panicked her whole body. Nicole Kidman looks like a red carpet herself, and doesn't know how to answer red carpet questions. The irony!

8:13pm - Penelope Cruz looks beautiful.

8:14pm - Andre Leon Talley could not be more gay, and also, I never noticed that he was twice the width and height of everyone else in the world. Jada Pinkett Smith looks amazing in that gold Carolina Herrera. Wow. And how supportive to dress like Oscar for your Oscar nom husband. Wow, she's hot. Did you know she was at Ozzfest with her heavy metal band? She's hot. Armani Prive on Cate Blanchett - nice.

8:15pm - Helen Mirren has some hot decoletage. Am I the only one who thinks she's fly? Cameron Diaz, you are orange. Not OK. Also, your dress looks like a collar from a men's dress shirt that mutated into an entire dress. Or, a paper airplane.

8:37pm - Ellen Degeneres is dressed as a snazzy doorman, or Hugh Hefner, or Hugh Hefner's doorman. Penelope Cruz is definitely not Mexican, despite what Ellen Degeneres might tell you. Do I actually find Ellen endearing? Does that make me...oh my God, did Nicholson shave his head?

8:55pm - The WIll Ferrel, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly song the best thing I have ever seen.

9:01pm - Jaden Smith is a bad motha. He effs up a line, and while that little cream puff from Little Miss Sunshine giggles and loses her composure, he mumbles, "oops - that's the wrong line" - and keeps going.

9:04pm West Bank Story? Haven’t heard of this. How have I not heard of this? Please let it win. It won! Oooh, Ari Sandel, I will find you on Jdate.

9:05pm Jack Nicholson? Looks terrifying. He looks like a very unfortunate casualty of tobacco addiction, the one in those public service ads. Whose kids and wife are very sad, because he passed in 2005. It's really depressing and touching, but a bit much when you're trying to watch Ugly Betty. And basically, you shouldn't want to look like him, because the whole ad is how he made poor decisions which cost him his body and his family's happiness, and ultimately his life - and that's really serious and not very chic, so cut it out, OK, Jack Nicholson? Unless we're about to find out that you are sick in some way, in which case, I am a jerk.

9:13pm A Capella sound effects quire? Yes please.

9:15pm Steve Carrell still looks pissed off about Ellen's “diversity” comment.

9:17pm The sound editing winners a) are identical, b) both look like the Monopoly guy, c) both look terrified.

9:21pm Rachel Weisz is trying to rock the same weird, sea-anemone fake-bob as Cameron Diaz. Ladies,

9:23pm Alan Arkin? I didn’t see that movie, but poor Eddie Murphy. Dreamgirls was the only dramatic role he’ll ever have. Oh my God, wait – is Alan Arkin actually reading a prewritten speech in which he uses phrases like “spirit of unity”?

9:25pm Ellen is sort of cute. I have to say. Joke’s about giving Martin Scorsese a script? Cute. Bothering Marky Mark right after he loses? Not so cute.

8:55pm - The WIll Ferrel, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly song the best thing I have ever seen.

9:01pm - Will Smith's kid is a bad motha. He effs up a line, mumbles, "oops - that's the wrong line" - and keeps going.

10pm - Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway just told Meryl Streep they love her. God, Emily Blunt's dress is stunning. This costume panorama thing is weird. If you're not watching, they have live model posing in the costumes of the nominated movies, and gently swaying back in forth, like vaguely-in-character mannekins. It looks OK on TV, but imagine being there. Awkward! Oooh, nice YSL smoking jacket on the dykey Marie Antoinette costume designer.

Notes on Notes On A Scandal

2007-02-09T23:33:00.000-05:00

I recently saw Notes on a Scandal about Sheba Hartt (Cate Blanchett) and Barbara Covett (Judi Dench), two teachers in an English public school. Starchy spinster Barbara develops a fixation on bohemian wife and mother Sheba, who cluelessly accepts their fraught friendship and witlessly hands Barbara a loaded gun when she confides her illicit affair with a 15-year-old student.

**SPOILER ALERT**

Barbara is eventually flattened out by the revelation of her very real delusional psychosis and Victorian Sapphic fixation, but the movie is saved by Sheba's beauty. Sheba's beauty is discussed frequently, and is hard to miss - the camera often catches her soft-lit movements in slow motion, as she repeatedly twirls her hair around a finger, and during a scene in which Sheba dances with her eyes closed. She is not a wizened femme fatale a la Lauren Bacall - rather, her beauty is almost a character flaw - Sheba's mother is overheard saying that her daughter has used her beauty to get by, but that she lacks character. Upon seeing her for the first time, Barbara also notes her beauty, and continues to mention it throughout the film with an increasing level of admiration - noting her grace, how she stands out from her family. The 15-year-old student, of course, tells her she's "fit" - not just OK, but "really fit" - during his seduction. He also tells her what she assumes she wants to hear - that he comes from a broken and abusive home. When he is caught in his lie, he insists she had wanted to hear them, and bitterly says the affair was simply "supposed to be fun". Sheba is caught and confused by her beauty, and the film seems to be about the dangers of beauty, its susceptibility to the projected impressions of those that observe and react to it. Sheba, of course, is guilty of cartooning the object of her desire too, overlooking his obvious flaw (he's 15, lady) to see what she hopes is there.

Wesleyans Abound

2007-02-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

Surely it was only a matter of time before we saw Wesleyan winning honorable mention at Sundance...Wesleyan signed to a major label...Wesleyan taking over MTVu (?!)...and Wesleyan, last but not least, prominently featured in an article...

...in VICE.

(from Left, girl, Wesleyan, Wesleyan, girl, girl)

UPDATE: Shout outs to John "the" Golbe (VICE editorial dept / Wesleyan '06) fer gittin 'er dun.

Congratulations, Wesleyan.
You sure have growed up.

~Andrea

Dropping the Ball

2006-12-30T23:14:00.000-05:00

By request, here is a comprehensive list of absolutely everything you can do in NYC on NYE worth a mention. I’ve even been thoughtful enough to include some asterixes for events I would attend - make a resolution to thank me more this year - but please note that I, in what is swift becoming a NYE tradition for me, will be holed up at a private party in someone's house, and will refuse to party elsewhere, or talk about "where should we go, you guys?", for 48 full hours. Then, I will nurse my hangover for another 12. Then I will eat tomato soup, because that stuff is addictive.

And speaking of dropping the ball!! Ah, haha. I resolve to put more effort into the much loved parade of shit that is my mind, and to also spruce up the blog in ways you have yet to imagine.

Now remember, kids: fair labor practices in 007, and New Years is for amateurs; real alcoholics choose Boxing Day. For a list of horrid meatpacking parties with bottle service, click here.

NYE John Zorn @ Tonic, 8pm, $30
NYE GreendoorNYC @ Don Hills, 9pm, $15 w/flyer (champagne toast) (flyer)

NYE Radio 4 @ Mercury Lounge, 11:15pm, $25
*NYE Psychic Eve @ Monkeytown, 11:30pm, $20 (champagne toast)
*NYE The Shimmer Ball @ Rubulad Home Base, 10pm, $15 w/costume
NYE Misshapes @ tba, invitation only
NYE The Rub @ Southpaw, FREE
NYE Ad Lib @ 151, FREE
NYE Crashin’ In @ Williamsburg White Room, $10 w/flyer (bar 6-8pm)
*NYE Trash! Nymphomaniac @ Rififi, FREE (bar 9-10pm, 12am) (flyer)

*NYE MAKORnival @ Makor Café, $65 (bar 9-11pm)
*NYE Chocolate Fountain!! @ Park East Grill, $25 (bar+ 9pm-12:30am)
NYE Motherfucker @ Rebel, $20 before 12am w/RSVP (flyer)

*NYE Jimmy Im Party @ Eastern Bloc, FREE (bar 10-11pm)(flyer)

NYE Charity Benefit @ Dove Parlour, $25 (bar 11-midnight)
NYE Chulo’s Eve Bash @ Taco Chulo, FREE (bar 12-1:30am)
*NYE Finger On The Pulse @ Royal Oak, FREE (champagne toast)
*NYE Sharegroove @ Capone’s, FREE (champagne toast + pizza!)
NYE Erotic New Years @ Sutra, $95 (bar 8pm-2am) (flyer)

NYE GBH @ Movida, $99 w/tickets (bar 9pm-2am)
NYE Damien Fahey party @ Room Service, $150 (bar 9-2am)
NYE Cheeky Bastard @ Maritime Hotel Caffe Bar, $20 (champagne toast)
NYE New Years Dream @ 96 Greenwich Ave, $27 (mention “the danger” - champagne)
NYE Party @ B-Bar, $35 (champagne toast)
NYE Moe Choi @ China 1, $40 (champagne toast) (flyer)

NYE Bang It Out @ Savalas, $60 all you can drink (flyer)

NYE B&W Masquerade Ball @ SoHo Grand, $149 w/RSVP (bar all night)
NYE Sweet New Year @ Sugar Factory, $40 w/RSVP (bar all night)

NYE Loft party @ 60 Gansevoort St, $40 (bar all night, no bathroom)*
NYE Loft party @ Asterisk, $25 w/RSVP (beer bar all night)

Live Blogging The Billboard Music Awards

2006-12-04T20:33:00.000-05:00

My plan tonight was not to live blog the Billboard Music Awards. Actually, my plan was to sit with an extremely talented designer buddy of mind and feed his creativity with free mind altering funpacks, but he never called to confirm. So, since Paris bowed out last minute, I figured there was room for one more. Reload frequently, since I'm keeping it all in one post.

I should also note that I was enticed to watch this show because the Girls Next Door girls are handing out the trophies, and I love - LOVE - Girls Next Door. Kendra looked so jazzed to give an award to Mary J. Blige.

8:30 pm - Fergie just finished. Did she say "1996"? And does she have to pee again? That, or a labotomy, may explain why she literally didn't move during her performance at all, besides a couple of seemingly tremulous steps forward.

8:34 pm - I like the Billboards because it's the one venue where it's not tacky to talk about your sales and your upcoming album drop.

8:35 pm - Nickelback win something. That was their song? Wow, I'm out of the loop. And wow, the perimeters of the definition of "rock" have expanded.

8:42 pm - COLLABO TIME! Pharell, Young Jeezy, and Ludacris are having some kind of sequential face off. I obviously don't get the reference with the giant 80's radio man on the monitor introducing each rapper with a color - Young Jeezy had black, and Luda has red so far - oops, here's Jeezy again. Luda is a lot more interesting to watch for some reason. Fittingly, Pharell's color is green - oops, except cris is still on stage. Awww, but Pharell is so cute when he tries to dance! He does something between the Harlem Shake, the Chicken Noodle Soup dance, and that dance little kids do at Bar Mitzvahs where it's not entirely on beat and they're just kind of bouncing from the knees.

8:50 pm - Is there something hot about Jesse Metcalf and Kathy Griffin flirting across the decades? No, of course not. I need to eat dinner.

8:51 pm - Didn't Walk The Line come out like, two years ago?

8:58 pm - Who is this person with Danity Kane? And who is this Danity Kane person anyway? He looks like a tool. Just kididng. I watched Making The Band, relax.

9:00 pm - Loving T.I.'s sign off for his album drop - "Coming soon - be about it." Denise Richards' voice just cracked.

9:01 pm - ATTENTION: The Big Question of the Night! Since when is every female pop star trying to sound like Peaches?

Also, why is Gwen Stefani bastardizing the Sound of Music? Woah, there's a big fat man hitting a giant drum! You know, I'm kind of liking Gwen Stefani's new chanting thing. I also like thinking about how she's a mom. I also love her jumpsuit. Cute jumpsuit!

9:01 pm How embarassing for Def Leppard to give an award to Three Days Grace.

9:25 pm So, Stevie Wonder is standing there in this spectacular orange suit - which really deserves capitals, so Orange Suit - and talking about Tony Bennett being his dear friend. Someone apparently stole all of Stevie Wonder's luggage. Who the flying hell would steal Stevie Wonder's luggage? Aww, Bridget (Girls Next Door) is guiding Stevie! She must be so excited.

9:45 pm - Oh, Mary! Mary J. Blige just brought down the house - granted that the competition wasn't exactly stiff - or rather, it was completely stiff, with Fergie standing completely still, and Gwen chanting her way through her set.

9:47pm - Carrie Underwood, blah blah blah. Oh, it's Janice Dickinson! I love Janice Dickinson!

9:53 pm - Artist of the Year...AT LONG LAST! Rascal Flats? Did they seriously cover that song? I'm so glad I have no idea what's going on in popular culture these days. Just kidding. I totally know all these songs. The Killers sound really unhappy about these proceedings. Awww, look at the Girls Next Door! My boyfriend just pointed out that Courtney Love's arm flapped when she pointed to the Girls - but I was too busy staring at Bridget to notice. ZZ Top and Kid Rock are covering a song I remember hearing as a kid and wondering if ZZ Top were Jewish, partially because of the beards and partially because of their use of the word "tush". Kid Rock, on the other hand, is making me nauseous. Since when is he the go-to guy for classic rock cover collabos? First Jerry Lee Lewis on SNL, now this? Also, why is he doing the Axl Rose dance? OK, I'm seriously hungry.

Goodniiiiiiight Las Vegaaaaaas!

~Andrea

Half Empty Links

2006-11-29T22:46:00.000-05:00

'Tis the season to be jolly, isn't it? Or it will be soon, anyway - but until it is, we on staff at ShitParade would like to provide you with some much-needed winter doldroms, in the form of a website, dedicated to random shit people hate, appropriately titled IFuckingHateThatShit.com. You can send in your own hateful thoughts, or just browse for highlights. Some I found include "boring bars with sober women", "dead batteries", and "Hitler".

Some things never change...

2006-11-25T22:32:00.000-05:00

The blogosphere, and the mainstream press, is gung-ho over Britney's triumphant return from the K-list...but as far as I can tell, she's jumped from one unholy matrimony to another, this time with the barest heiress herself. Not only has Paris taken poor Britney under her wing, but she seems to have already tutored her in the ways of club hopping through Vegas and panty flashing for press. What does Paris get for her troubles?

She finally gets to look classy, by comparison. And let me tell you: It takes some real "country" to make Paris look classy. Poor Brit; we already knew from Chaotic that she didn't have any real friends, and now she thinks she's found a kindred spirit in Paris, who ditches friends almost as often as she ditches boyfriends and pets. In the spirit of the Fug Girls, let's imagine the conversation that took place before this girls' night out:

BRITNEY: Do you think the subaquatic goggles are too much?

PARIS: No, big sunglasses are hot.

BRITNEY: I thought since all Rachel Zoe's girls wear them I should give it a shot. You know, so people know I'm still hip and all. Should I brush my hair?

PARIS: No, bed head is sexy. It's boho.

BRITNEY: Boho! That's totally what I'm going for! I wanna look like that Mischa Barton girl from Dawson's Creek or whatever. Now all I need is a lacey little top to match my new-divorcee heels.

PARIS: Just wear that T-shirt, you look hot in it.

BRITNEY: But I've been wearing it for three days in a row. I slept in it last night.

PARIS: It's totally Boho.

BRITNEY: Really?

PARIS: Look girl, you're single now. You can do whatever you want.

BRITNEY: You know, you are so right. I'll show Kevin I don't give a rip about him or any man! I'm so glad we've got each other's backs now, Paris.

PARIS: Totally.

BRITNEY: I'm ready to stay out all damn night, ya'll!

PARIS: Hold on, I have to finish blowdrying.

BRITNEY: We should start a line of fragrances together.

Let's go.

2006-11-23T21:48:00.000-05:00

It has been a crazy whirlwind of a month. It's not time to get into it right now, but suffice it to say that there have been some big changes in my little nook of the world.
If you’re not one of the pussies whose parents flew them home to Cambridge, Mass or Florida, here’s what’s up tonight. And tomorrow. And hell, the whole weekend.

Turkey American @ Bar Americain, 3 course, $69
Turkey American @ iCi, 3 course, $45
Turkey Australian @ Wallsé, 3 course, $65
Turkey Austrian @ Blaue Gans, 3 course, $55
Turkey Depressed @ Ellen’s Stardust, 4 course, $29.95
Turkey Israeli @ Miriam, 3 course, $40
Turkey Middle Eastern @ Tanoreen, 3 course, $35
Turkey French @ Payard, 3 course, $62
Turkey Italian @ Tempo, 3 course, $29.95
Turkey Thai @ Kittichai, 5 course, $55

Thu 11.23 Thanksgiving Day Parade @ CPW, 9am, FREE
Thu 11.23 Skate Opening @ Wollman Rink Prospect, 2pm, $5
Thu 11.23 NC-17 @ Lit, FREE (flyer)

Thu 11.23 Todd P Presents @ Glassland Gallery, 11pm, $6
Thu 11.23 Ad Lib @ 151, FREE

Fri 11.24 The Sounds @ Webster Hall, 6pm, $20
Fri 11.24 Dirty Projectors + Z’s @ Tonic, 8pm
Fri 11.24 Peaches + Miss Pussycat @ Irving Plaza, 8pm, $25
Fri 11.24 Hold Steady @ Maxwell’s, 9pm, $17
Fri 11.24 Sounds Afterparty @ Lotus, 10pm, FREE (flyer)

Sat 11.25 Mixel Pixel @ Knitting Factory, 7:30pm, $8
Sat 11.25 Post Thanx Microsho @ Cake Shop, 8pm, FREE (flyer)

Sat 11.25 Dirty Projectors @ Syrup Room, 8pm, $8
Sat 11.25 Rakim @ BB King Blues Club, 11:30pm, $32 adv
Sat 11.25 TisWas @ Annex, $5 if you mention Shaw Promo
Sat 11.25 Mad Suspect @ Savalas, FREE (flyer)

Sun 11.26 Eugene Mirman + Michael Showalter @ Union Hall, 8pm, $7
Sun 11.26 Geek Out Summit @ Monkeytown, 8pm, $10 minimum (free cake!)

DO IT 10.30.06

2006-10-30T23:35:00.000-05:00

This is a whopper. First off, apparently I'm in today's Women's Wear Daily - but I can't see it because I don't have a subscription. If anyone else has access, please email me a copy at shparade@gmail.com.

Has anyone else heard the weirdness that is XZibit's "Concentrate"? Why does it sound like Mr. T's ode to rapists? And why is that good? I'm not sure, but go here to enjoy the phenomenally creepy video.

Make sure to go see the Standing Nudes play on Thursday! Trust me, they're truly awesome live - plus their seven inch, with which I am intimately familiar, is apparently #17 at WNYU. Which means one of several things: 1) Tim Sweeney mistook them for some weird indie house band. 2) Tim Sweeney is sleeping with their drummer. 3) NYU kids did so badly on their SAT's because they were busy listening to sweet music. And with that backhanded compliment, I bring you the inaugural DO IT of October.

Tue 10.31 'Sup Release @ Cake Shop, 2-6pm, FREE (bar + empanadas)
Tue 10.31 Kozik Signing @ Kid Robot, 6-9pm, FREE (flyer)

Tue 10.31 Mixel Pixel @ Monkeytown, 8pm, $10
Tue 10.31 Shindig @ Sin-e, 8:30pm, $15 (open bar) (flyer)

Tue 10.31 Parade Afterparty @ LOVE, $10 w/RSVP (bar 9pm)
Tue 10.31 CMJ's FilmFest opening @ Happy Ending, FREE, bar 10-11pm
Tue 10.31 Motherfucker @ Roxy, $20 w/flyer (bar 10-11pm)

Tue 10.31 NYLON/Misshapes/Dimmak @ Stereo, FREE (bar 10-12)
Thu 11.2 Standing Nudes @ Goodbye Blue Monday, time / $ tba

Fri 11.3 Slits + Apes + Genghis Tron @ 339 Scholes St, time/ $ tba

Woodie or Woodn'tie?

2006-10-27T15:04:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night I had the good fortune to score a spot at the MTVu Woodie Awards. It was a time - my friend and I got our picture taken by Women's Wear Daily (vintage lamé shirt, Johnson shorts, Marc Jacobs shoes and Van Heusen cropped blazer, courtesy of Jess). If anyone finds a copy holler at a tastemaker.
The whole awards show format is pretty bizarre - there was no real host at the show, and they paired real celebrities with college DJ's as presenters, which was a sweet idea but hit or miss in execution. The DJ paired with Lupe Fiasco was talkative and enthusastic and actually made Lupe look a little bland, but the poor girl paired with Eugene Hutz looked like she had just lost a butt plug in her nethers. Nervous doesn't beging to cover it. Her eyes were saucer-sized and she had a smile resolutely spackled on no matter what lines she or Eugene had to say. Kim slayed her presentation, Beck slayed his performance, Lady Sovereign slayed her brain cells and announced in a proud cockney accent, "I'm drunk, but you all knew 'dat" - man, do I want her - and apparently Jared Leto got in a scrap with some other bloggers as well as Elijah Wood, and I cut out early to get some nosh and go to the Paper party at Hotel QT.

It's time!

2006-10-27T14:48:00.000-04:00

Finally! Kevin Federline's album is streaming at AOL Music, and it is a gem. If you're wondering about the sound, just take Snoop Dogg, extract the black, the street cred, and the semblence of narrative, and you've got it right there. I was trying to write a paper while listening to it, but I had to shut it off - K. Fed admits that his rhymes are "bad for your mind" on one of the tracks, but I don't know if he realizes just how accurate he is. In case you don't quite catch the Britney collabo, it's thoughtfully entitled "Crazy" - you know, like the solo track entitled "Crazy".

I'm right where the sluts be / right where my dick be / I'm the man, trust me,

~Andrea

Mysteries Of Our World

2006-10-22T22:41:00.000-04:00

This is so good that life is hardly worth living anymore.

Shrimp Running On A Treadmill

Working in mysterious ways,

~Andrea

Thoughts and Feelings

2006-10-09T22:36:00.000-04:00

Given everything that's happening in North Korea right now, it's important to think about the things that really matter. Like food, for example. Pointlessly ornate food, even more so. More specifically, pointlessly ornate food prepared by a zany cast of degenerate winos, otherwise known as:

TOP CHEF!

It'sbackit'sbackit'sbackit'sback! Now, the reason you never really see me doing TV show recaps is partially my lack of basic cable - but also, my attention span. Following more than one TV show per season makes me irritable and anti-social; I'm a one-TV-show type of girl. Right now, for example, I'm a Girls Next Door type of girl (Kendra!!). I'm not sure I ever mentioned it last season, but I was so into Top Chef. You should have seen me during the finale - what a nail-biter! - and even better, the reunion. That Tiffani! Whew! I could just...grrr. Am I right?

Season 2's cast looks like it's one to be reckoned with, and there are a few notable changes. First of all, there's a new hostess - and thank God for that.

Bon-sai!

It's true that I'll miss Katie Lee Joel's fascinatingly lifeless delivery - not to mention flawless diction - but cookbook author / hottie / Salman Rushdie groupie Padma Lakshmi ought to give the show some kick. Also, last season there were a few sous chefs and caterers, but no executive chefs - while this season, we have four! Cliff Crooks of Salute! here in NYC, Carlos Fernandez of Hi-Life in Florida, Frank Terzoli of Heat in San Diego - and Sam Talbot of Punch, also here in NYC, which makes him my default pick for the season looking out; Punch happens to be owned by a close friend of mine! Plus, there's a pastry chef this season, which should fill in the dessert void that came to a head with a Sara Lee wedding cake in Season 1. Check out the sweet trailer here.

Please pack your knives and go,

~Andrea

Just this one thing...

2006-10-01T19:25:00.000-04:00

...and I swear I'll drop Paris Hilton. Is it just me, or is there an unmistakable similarity between this:

Paris Hilton - Jealousy

and this?

Jem & The Holograms - Jealousy

Jem was so ahead of her time. If she were only alive today, she could have blasted Paris with her revamped subatomic electric guitar of love. Was that how it went? And anyway, doesn't Paris strike you as more of a Misfit type of gal - the kind who would rip Nicole Richie's posters down and put her own up? Assuming Nicole had a go at singing? Also, how much does Jem rock the pants off of mother earth and make her a hotter, more slutty mother earth? And what am I talking about? I'm making myself uncomfortable.

Download it! Jem and the Holograms - Jealousy.mp2

Doesn't it consume your soul? / making you lose control / jealousy!

~Andrea
PS. Guess which version features the lyric above and win a DUI!

Dare to Dream.

2006-09-23T20:38:00.000-04:00

If you're interested in that sort of thing, Paris Hilton's new video for "Nothing In This World" is up on YouTube. In it, the squirrely blonde writhes around under a mane of plastic hair with an underage boy. The video is purportedly based on The Girl Next Door, which was about a ne'er-do-well high school kid who lucks out by living next to a hot porn star (Elisha Cuthbert, who makes an appearance in this video as the mean popular girl). In the stretch of the century, Paris fills the role of the porn star next door.

A lot is being made of the video's similarity to My Chemical Romance video for "I'm Not Okay", which share's the Paris video's movie trailer format and high school loser theme - a theme which could light a city with the power of its irony in a Paris Hilton video. But what about a much earlier, much more significant contributor to pop? Who else could I mean but the inimitable, invincible...Madonna.

Madonna - Open Your Heart

As usual, she did it first, and she did it better - "it" meaning pederasty, in this particular case. How does she manage to be sexier than Paris at twice the body mass and a dyke haircut? The world may never know.

Madonna, abbiamo ancora bisogno di te,

~Andrea

Get Smashed!

2006-09-21T21:55:00.000-04:00

If you're interested in sports / a genius, go to this blog. It's by a genius, who happens to be interested in sports. You'll get along.

One love,

~Andrea

Islamic World: Papa Ratzi Won't Leave Us Alone!

2006-09-18T16:28:00.000-04:00

In an attempt to assuage rumors that Islam is "evil and inhuman", Muslim protestors in Basra, Iraq, burnt Pope Benedict XVI in effigy yesterday, and a Muslim activist group based in Iraq posted a warning on their website of a war against "worshippers of the cross." Meanwhile, a Turkish man in Ankara rushed a Protestant church with a fake gun, two men shot a 70-year-old nun four times in the back at an Italian parochial school, and two churches in the West Bank were set on fire. The Jews, meanwhile, have yet to take to the streets in protest of the Catholic Church's selection of a FUCKING NAZI as the earthly voice of their Holy Savior. [source, source]

In other news, I'm back on MTVU! Nice boots, huh? I haven't watched it yet, because it's not Mac compatible. Therefore, if I said something stupid, chalk it up to biased editing. If I said something smart, of course - it was all me.

Papal smear,

~Andrea

Anna Wintour and Star Jones walk into a bar...

2006-09-17T02:51:00.000-04:00

What do Anna Wintour and Star Jones have in common?

Why, Payless shoes, of course.

That's all.

Stolz' Walk Stilted?

2006-09-13T01:54:00.000-04:00

We haven't delved into the world of Kimmie, mostly because it's sort of a conflict of interest at this point -

But OMG, she walked for Reyes Spring 2007 in New York's Fashion Week, so we have to make an exception:

The gray lady pays the bills.

Still, it's not all fun and games for our old pal; the Daily News had this to say about her performance:

Openly gay "America's Next Top Model" finalist Kim Stolz has shed weight since Season 5 but is still strutting like RoboCop, a subject of intense and concerned discussion on the show. The other day, the 23-year-old brunette modeled in the Jose Ramon Reyes show in Chelsea, and folks in the audience couldn't help remarking how slender she looked. Her booker at Elite, Jose Covarrubias, wouldn't attach a precise poundage, but told Lowdown: "When she got here she was looking good, then she did South Beach and now she looks amazing. She actually got me to do it, and I've lost 20 pounds." He added: "We're working on her walk."

When I'm a good carb, I'm very, very good, but when I'm a bad carb I'm better,

~Andrea

Public Service Announcement, Part Deux.

2006-09-13T00:55:00.000-04:00

No Overachiever Left Behind

2006-09-12T10:11:00.000-04:00

Harvard has done away with their Early Admissions process. I've been saying for aeons that the college process is unfairly skewed to the advantage of the advantaged (including an expensive SAT prep course called "Advantage"). But now that Harvard have taken this important step in the right direction, all the College Board (and most school boards) have to do is revise the "time and a half" rules, recommend a universal cap on US tuition, and fix the public school system, and we might actually have edu-ma-cation in this country. Cake! I give it two years.

Be the herald of light, and the bearer of love,
Till the stock of the Puritans die,

~Andrea

A public service announcement.

2006-08-25T12:38:00.000-04:00

The ladies at Vogue have recently been wetting their pantaloons over Sophia Coppola's upcoming wankfest, Marie Antoinette, presumably because Anna Wintour can't wait to return to the good old days of pre-revolutionary France, when things were as they should be. The film will cover new ground for Coppola since her much-lauded sophomore effort Lost in Translation, about a spoiled twenty-something girl suffering from a painful case of ennui in a foreign country - the upcoming film, in sharp contrast, is about a spoiled twenty-something girl suffering from a painful case of ennui in a foreign country...in a big, poufy dress. Which brings us back to our beloved Conde Nasty, who seems tickled by the notion of carb-free ladies frothing themselves into enormous floating meringues with fabric rather than food. Kirsten Dunst is the cover girl of the most recent issue of Vogue - decked out, of course, in full, popcorny baroque regalia - and the rest of the issue takes its cues from Marie Ant accordingly. To that end, they would like to convince you to adopt something they call "the Bubble". The Bubble is a dress or skirt, or sleeves on occasion, made of excessive fabric and cinched. The effect is a sort of short, modish bustle - which is not to say that an actual bustle (God help us) should be ruled out either.

Ladies, I implore you. Even the skinniest figures look deformed in the Bubble. The Bubble is a prosthetic ass. A big, poufy, often shiny, prosthetic ornamental ass. I know we all fall prey to trends sometimes - lord knows I own an American Apparel onesie or three - but if you're already a borderline anorexic fashion model, why torture yourself by gaining artificial weight whenever you get dressed? Fight the Bubble now!

Above: Emma Hayes'

Videology!

2006-08-15T23:50:00.000-04:00

OK Go are the Chris Cunningham's of the low-budget music video world. This song is no great shakes; lively, poppy, nothing too exciting. But this video is amazing. Furthermore, do you know how hard their treadmill dance moves are? I can barely balance while I jog on one of those things, let alone skate around like a goddamned prettyboy.

In other news, Paris Hilton's men friends can't stop thinking about Lilo's crotch. Poor Paris; she tries her darndest to draw attention to her own crotch, and her friends are still obsessed with Lindsay's. As usual, the muckrakers at TMZ have the dirt on video here.

DO IT 8.14

2006-08-13T14:33:00.000-04:00

A very abbreviated version of DO IT this week - I've been preoccupied recently with a variably-fruitful search for a job. Ironic how unemployment has effected my blogging career, eh? Anyway, for those of you in the same boat, a lot of nice FREE listings this week; not to mention a fair share of open bars for those who need a little social lubricant to forget their financial woes (certainly not me - I mean other people). I will get back into full-blown blogging mode shortly - hang tight, loyal readers!

UPDATE: I'm not that into the hipster nightlife scene in New York anymore - underage hipsters pretending to be legal and aging hipsters pretending to be underage, both of them posing for sleazebags pretending to be photobloggers, or photobloggers pretending to be sex-positive pornographers...it started to get to me after a while. If you need convincing, check out Last Night's Party's recent "Barfing Beauties" gallery. That said, the DJ lineup at this Wednesday's BPM anniversary is borderline epic, and even I am super psyched for this party.

Mon 8.14 Maxi Priest + Toots & The Maytals @ WIngate Field, 7:30pm, FREE
Mon 8.14 Apollo Sunshine @ CBGB, 9:30pm, $10
Mon 8.14 Charade @ Bryant Park, 5pm seating, FREE
Mon 8.14 Critters @ Rififi, 10pm, FREE w/drink (flyer)

Tue 8.15 The Swimmer @ McCarren Park Pool, 7pm, FREE

Tue 8.15 Hail @ Dark Room, FREE (flyer)

Wed 8.16 Rollins Band @ Nokia Theater, 8pm, $40
Wed 8.16 usaisamonster @ Tonic, 8pm, $8
Wed 8.16 Suzanne Vega @ Sidewalk Cafe, 11pm, FREE (2 drink min)
*Wed 8.16 BPM 10 yrs strong @ Stereo, FREE w/RSVP (flyer)

Thu 8.17 Raiders of the Lost Ark @ Bkln Bridge Park, 6pm, FREE
Thu 8.17 Liza Minelli @ Coney Island, 7:30pm, FREE
Thu 8.17 Wu Tang Clan @ Webster Hall, 8pm, $50
Thu 8.17 Ratatat release @ Hiro, 11pm, FREE w/RSVP (flyer)

Fri 8.18 Wu Tang Clan @ Webster Hall, 7pm, $50
Fri 8.18 New York Dolls + Tra La La @ South Street Seaport, 7pm, FREE
Fri 8.18 Professor Murder @ Mercury Lounge, 9pm, $10 adv
Fri 8.18 Beautiful/Decay party @ Tribeca Cinemas, 9pm (bar 9-11pm), $5 (flyer)

Fri 8.18 Mondo @ Luke + Leroy, FREE (flyer)

fâr and 'balənst

2006-07-27T13:25:00.000-04:00

When winding down after a long day of looting abandoned railroads and memorizing wikipedia, I always enjoy curling up in bed with a good dictionary. I generally prefer the Oxford American because of its oddly defeatist political example sentences and cheerful liberal bias.

For example, note the subtle bias in this example sentence:

Well that explains "democracy" perfectly. It's a synonym of "snowstorm", right?

What if I wanted another word for "conservative"?

And "liberal"?

Two more:

Oh those sassy brits! Stick it to those hidebound rednecks! Seriously though, in all fairness to the godless heathens at Oxford, I will add this:

Giving you shit.

2006-07-25T16:56:00.000-04:00

In celebration of two important events in the world of popular culture, I've decided to make another Shit List - traditionally, a list of items I want, accompanied by a list of items I seriously do not fucking want. But this time you get a double dose of negativity. Enjoy!

A Special, Double-Negative

On the first day of Shit List my true love gave to me...

Expensive Trash
I hope you're sitting down, because you're about to get swept off your feet. Apple has released a new mouse!! Once the waves of hot ecstasy teeming through every nerve in your body have subsided, check out the useful features available on the Mighty Mouse: 1) It's wireless! Can you imagine? A wireless mouse? It's like the Jetsons or something!! 2) It has a "laser tracking engine" which "delivers more precision on more surfaces" - I presume this particular selling point is directed at the military consumer? 3) It has "wireless connectivity up to 30 ft" - for all those times you feel like checking your email through binoculars. 4) Another button! You heard right - this mouse has TWO BUTTONS - a left button, and a right button. Now, I'm a Mac user and all, but can we get over ourselves, please? No way Apple is bombastically celebrating a two-button mouse. Are they actually trying to provoke the "I told you so" from PC users? So, what makes this white wonder worth a wopping $69? Search me, buddy. All I know is, if Steve Jobs took a shit in a tin can, spray painted it white, and named it the iCan - or maybe the FeCan? - the Mac zealots would buy it, and have it laser-engraved.

And speaking of expensive trash, check out Paris Hilton's album website. Here's a little sample - note the elegant visual reference to ovaries (click to enlarge):

...But why else does this all seem familiar? Oh, yeah:

It's a total ripoff of the Gwen Stefani website, from the black and white floral graphics down to the gray pinstripes - and the promo shots - and, duh, the music. If she has to rip someone off to kick-start her sham music career, couldn't it at least be someone who doesn't work anymore - or like, someone dead. For instancce - Janis Joplin doesn't seem like an obvious choice, but think about it: they both have drug problems and they both dig nudity - and they're certainly both into free love. What say you, Paris?

What's she gonna do, sue me?

~Andrea
PS. Please don't sue me.

DO IT

2006-07-17T20:06:00.000-04:00

Turns out that blogging on a Mac, Firefox or not, is unbelievably annoying. My links keep getting lost, there are no formatting shortcuts on the keyboard, and generally it is making this usually spiffy event list much more irritating.

I will say this: the Spirit Marines are playing on Friday, and they are awesome. I've seen them five, six, maybe three thousand times. They are actually 200 year old mariners, and they try to play ten or fifteen times per year; so you see what I'm saying. They are ancient seafarers, and they play great music, originally composed on conch shell horns and other nautical instruments, with keyboards and guitars and drums. Oh, it's quite something.

Mon 7.17 The Band Wagon @ Bryant Park, dusk, FREE
Mon 7.17 Friday the 13th Part 3 @ Rififi, 10pm, FREE

Tue 7.18 French Kicks @ Virgin Records USQ, 6:30pm, FREE
Tue 7.18 Taco Tuesday @ Luke + Leroy, 7pm, FREE
Tue 7.18 Talib Kweli + Jean Grae @ Apple Store SoHo, 7pm, FREE
Tue 7.18 Pool party @ Hotel QT, 9pm, FREE (bar 9-9:30pm)
Tue 7.18 We bite! @ Happy Ending, FREE

Wed 7.19 UCB @ Central Park, 6:30pm, FREE
Wed 7.19 Beastmaster @ Hudson River Park, dusk, FREE (flyer)
Wed 7.19 Gentri-Fi @ The Creek & The Cave, 9pm, FREE

Wed 7.19 Slurp @ The Cock, $5 (flyer)
Wed 7.19 Calling All Kids @ Sapphire Lounge, FREE (bar 10-11pm)

Thu 7.20 Strangers On A Train @ Empire-Fulton Ferry Park, dusk, FREE
Thu 7.20 Human Giant @ UCB Theater, 9:30pm, $8

*Fri 7.21 Spirit Marines @ Union Pool, 8pm, $?

YES.

2006-07-17T12:02:00.000-04:00

Hey! Remember that movie I told you guys about all the way back in November '05, called The Prestige? And remember how I said that it will most likely become my new favorite movie? And remember that I told you it features David Bowie as Nikola Tesla in a blood feud with Michael Caine as a magician, with the added boner bonus of Christian Bale, all directed by Batman Begins and Memento master baker Christopher Nolan?

Well, I was almost right: turns out it actually stars Christian Bale in a blood feud with Hugh Jackman, both of whom play magicians in 19th century London. David Bowie indeed plays Nikola Tesla, and Michael Caine seems to be playing the Hugh Jackman character's magic mentor. Throw in a buxomous dose of ScarJo, and yes, still Christopher Nolan, and you get one hell of a recipe.

I was definitely right about one thing: it will most likely become my new favorite movie. Check out the sick preview here!

Italia campione!!

2006-07-10T09:36:00.000-04:00

Zitane's headbutt is the #1 video on YouTube - as well as #2, #3, #6, #12, #15, #16, and #18. So, you probably already know that Zinedine Zidane head butted Marco Materazzi in yesterday's World Cup 2006 final. Despite his red card violation, Zidane beat out Italian players Fabio Cannavaro and Andrea Pirlo to win the Golden Ball award for MVP in the World Cup 2006 in Germany - an award voted upon by journalists covering the Cup. My favorite is the #1 video from France (below), in which the French announcer reacts with shock as Zidane gives old Materazzi the bullhorns - or should I say the French horns? I should: the French horns. The announcer screams, in an agony comparable to that of an abandoned child: "Mais, pour quoi!, mais pour quoi? MAIS POUR QUOI!?!" (But why, but why? But why!?!)

Uniti, per Dio, chi vincer ci puo?

~Andrea

FUNTEST!

2006-07-06T17:28:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes, yeah. I dropped the ball on the Independence Day Special. What's funny is I wrote it, but then didn't print it. Isn't that funny? But what would printing it accomplish? Sure, you may have gone to Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, or the DUMBO Block Party, or Belle & Sebastian, or the Gamelon / Bowie marathon, instead of sitting at home alone playing jacks and thinking about your lost childhood - but probably not. And I was too busy having fun to blog about it, anyway. Oops!

But fear not, dudes! A super sweet DO IT list is comin' your way for tonight and this weekend. Plus:

The inaugural, patriotic, Go Italy, Kill France, Happy Birthday To Me, first-ever

ShitParade contest!!

The good folks of Slap You In Public have given us two tickets to their sure-to-be-awesome rager aboard the good ship Frying Pan this Saturday. Chicago band Super Meego are some crazy moody catchy dancey indie electro situation; all I know is I can dance to it. NYC band Glorious Ninth, who sound pretty much like Phantom Planet. And you're invited!

Since this gives you a chance to get crunk on a boat, send an email to shparade@gmail.com, and let us know the craziest place you've ever gotten blitzed - or where you'd want to throw back a few.

Squeaky Deaky Makes Me Jump For Joy

2006-07-06T16:56:00.000-04:00

Do you love your dog? Do you go beyond love for your little fluff muffin, and actually respect his or her tiny, adorable thoughts, and value his or her genius little opinion? Did you ever wonder what music your dog would listen to if he could be an iPod DJ? If so, ask yourself if your life is really worth living (let me know if you need a hint).Then, open your mind and your wallet to Laurel Canyon Animal Co's Pet CD's! Now you can get an insight into Scruffy and Twiddlebug's taste in music: lame. Your dog likes shitty music. Your dog is a poser. How does Laurel Canyon know what your dog likes? Um, because they asked. Obviously. Specifically, Kim Ogden, "a nationally known Intuitive Animal Communicator", asked. Besides Songs to Make Dogs Happy, Laurel Canyon offers Music From The Pink Dolphins - "a musical adventure directed and guided by the Dolphins themselves" - and Fine Animal Gorilla, with lyrics based on conversations with Koko the gorilla, who also "personally reviewed version of each song before the recordings were finalized." Some of my personal favorites, all certified by Kim Ogden, IAC:

"Adventure Dog" Good driving song!
"Squeaky Deaky" Unbelievably catchy. Hands down, this album's hit. [BUY SONGS TO MAKE DOGS HAPPY]
"Ordinary Girl" by Koko. A nice 80's girl-folk feeling; like if Sarah Mclachlan, Raffi, and Tiffany did a collabo. [BUY FINE ANIMAL GORILLA]
"Doin' It Doggie Style" What makes this so beautifully perverse is the childish simplicity of the composition, in contrast with the fact that they are singing about dogs, fucking. Fucking each other. From the perspective of the dogs. Who are fucking. OK. [BUY UGLY DOGS NEED MORE LOVE]

I want to get to know you with your tail straight up,

~Andrea

Old News - New Olds

2006-06-28T11:35:00.000-04:00

We haven't heard from our beloved boys of The MGMT in a while, but the grape vine suggests that there are some new tunes in the...peanut? gallery? Food metaphors?

50% of the team is working on a new project, tentatively called Ocelot Fang, with Of Montreal's resident indie-hitmaker Kevin Barnes. But you already know all this, you tastemaker in a creative field, you.

Cornerstone owns you too,

~Andrea

DO IT 6.28.06

2006-06-28T10:13:00.000-04:00

Superman Returns just opened! I'm seeing it in Imax 3D on Saturday! Holy shit!!

Standing Nudes start their inevitable ascent on Thursday! Woah! If you haven't heard "When I Arrive" yet, you're missing something. Teeth, if we meet in a dark place. Listen to it! It's pretty, lush, psychy stuff. They only have the two recorded tracks on their site, sadly, but they have a whole bunch more that they jam on live.

Friday presents a neat bit of scheduling conflict for hipsters citywide. The Walkmen, or We Are Scientists? LD Section II, or My Best Fiend? TV on the Radio, or scrap the whole thing and see Joan Didion? Friday presents the same dilemma as a New York apartment hunt. TV on the Radio is like deep Brooklyn - it's far from everything else, but way cheaper. The Walkmen are Williamsburg; it seems kind of expensive, and is it getting too mainstream? We Are Scientists are the Lower East Side - yeah, you want to live there, who the fuck doesn't? LD Section II is like Staten Island; you feel like you should like it, but you've never actually been - and so on.

Speaking of hipsters citywide, who would be into a Hipster Jeopardy bar night someplace? With categories like Music, Self-loathing, and Fashion in the Abyss, or something? You know, Arri Up's 1981 band right after the Slits' final album. Who are the New Age Steppers? And so on. $5 to participate, the prize could be something from Kid Robot, a beej from Jake Shears, and a kick in the jaw. If you're down, I'll organize. Stay tuned for next week's Independence Weekend Special!

Wed 6.28 Sayonara Home Run! @ Giant Robot, 6pm, FREE (flyer)

Wed 6.28 Bonnie Raitt @ Summerstage, 7pm, $55
Wed 6.28 The Ark @ Bowery Ballroom, 8pm, $15
Wed 6.28 Northern Neighbors @ Hanger Bar, FREE (flyer)

Wed 6.28 A-Ron’s Whip It @ Stereo, FREE (flyer)

*Thu 6.29 Standing Nudes + Man Man + Fiery Furnaces @ Webster Hall, 6pm $20
Thu 6.29 Aperol Party @ Obivia, 7pm, FREE w/RSVP (bar 7-9pm)
Thu 6.29 We Are Scientists + Double @ Warsaw, 8pm, $13.50
Thu 6.29 The Passenger @ BAM, 6:50 / 9:15pm, $10
Thu 6.29 The Isles @ Sin-e, 10:30pm, $8 (flyer)

*Fri 6.30 TV on the Radio @ Prospect Park, 6:30pm, $3 suggested
Fri 6.30 Joan Didion @ Summerstage, 7:30pm, FREE
Fri 6.30 Open Salon Night @ AG Gallery, 7pm, FREE (flyer)

Fri 6.30 My Best Fiend @ Monkeytown, 7:30 / 10pm, $8
Fri 6.30 We Are Scientists + Double @ Irving Plaza, 8pm, $16.50
Fri 6.30 Walkmen @ Warsaw, 8pm, $20
Fri 6.30 LD Section II @ Bowery Ballroom, 9pm, $15
*Fri 6.30 Dirty Down @ Lit, FREE (flyer)

I Want My Kim TV

2006-06-23T11:25:00.000-04:00

Yes, anonymous, it's true: Kimmie has made the crutial jump from UPN to MTV! Actually, to be specific, she has VJ duties on MTVU - MTV's college-student-focused network - hosting a show about new musical acts called "The Freshman", and also writing a blog on the network website. The only reason I haven't mentioned it unprompted is because she hasn't linked Shitparade on that joint - YET. Ahem. Bitch be blowin' up!

And, as a bonus - how about some pictures from her Elite portfolio? Click pics to see full size images.

Full MTV press release is after

the

jump.

~Mom bomb

Stock Image Comedy

2006-06-22T10:36:00.000-04:00

Heh. And here I thought elephants bathed in sand. Who knew they were so experimental?

Pervy little critter.

The Creator provides for all his creatures,

~Andrea

Wishful Blind Item

2006-06-22T10:22:00.000-04:00

Oh, my word.

Who is this person-like being? Surely not Nicole Kidman, one-time icon of style, beauty, and elegance. Surely not the woman who slithered her way through Eyes Wide Shut half-dressed, like a sultry blonde Audrey Hepburn? Surely this bleached-out, putty-faced, Prince-of-Darkness-cloaked hellion - who appears to have risen out of the ground only to steal someone's first born, then wink and vanish - bares no relation to Tom Cruise' number-one beard, the woman who had to "ugly down" to play Virginia Woolf? But if not Nicole, who? Britney Spears? LaToya Jackson? Dorian Gray, perhaps?

Oh, now I remember...

Yes, it must be Amanda Lepore. So hard to recognize her with clothes on sometimes.

DO IT 6.19

2006-06-19T13:54:00.000-04:00

If you’re into vodka, Tuesday is a good day for you. You can take a healthy 2-hour swig at Blue Owl, hop a cab to Hotel QT for a 30-minute romp, then take a leisurely walk to Lit until the witching hour.

Mon 6.19 Free rum @ Blue Owl, 7-9pm, FREE
Mon 6.19 The Birds @ Bryant Park, dusk, FREE
Mon 6.19 Crash Test @ UCB Theater, 11pm, FREE
Mon 6.19 Bring 'Em @ Sway, FREE (flyer)

Tue 6.20 David Bazan @ Southpaw, 6:30pm, $10
Tue 6.20 Taco Tuesday @ Luke + Leroy, 7pm, FREE (flyer)

Tue 6.20 Free vodka @ Blue Owl, 7-9pm, FREE
Tue 6.20 usaisamonster @ Place, 8pm, $6
Tue 6.20 Pool party @ Hotel QT, FREE (vodka bar 9-9:30pm)
Tue 6.20 Bathroom Lines @ Lit, FREE (vodka bar 11-12)
Tue 6.20 We Bite @ Happy Ending, FREE

Wed 6.21 Wendy Williams @ Bryant Park Reading Room, 12:30pm, FREE
*Wed 6.21 Mario Batali + Tony Bourdain @ NYPL, 7pm, $15
Wed 6.21 Trachtenburg Family @ Mo Pitkin’s, 9pm, $15
Wed 6.21 Nouveau @ Fat Baby, FREE (bar 9-10) (flyer)

Wed 6.21 Watch Out @ Galapagos, FREE (bar 11-midnight)

Thu 6.22 The New Regime @ Chelsea Market, 10am-9pm, FREE (flyer)

Thu 6.22 Jazzy Jay @ Rufus King Park, 5:30pm, FREE
Thu 6.22 Nelly Furtado @ Virgin Megastore, 6pm, FREE
Thu 6.22 Capture the Flag @ 14th st / Irving Pl, 7:30pm, FREE
Thu 6.22 Big Sleep + Levy @ Sin-e, 8pm, $10 (flyer)

Thu 6.22 Iron Giant @ Anthology, 8pm, $10
Thu 6.22 MSTRKRFT @ Hiro, 10pm, $7 (flyer)

Thu 6.22 Asobi Seksu @ Mercury Lounge, 10:30pm, $10
Thu 6.22 Better Than Blueberries @ Askew, FREE (Stoli Blue 10-11pm)
Thu 6.22 Tranny Mash-up @ Don Hills, $10 (SoCo bar 10-?)

Fri 6.23 Mary J. Blige @ Bryant Park, 7am, FREE
Fri 6.23 Bug Juice @ Luke + Leroy, FREE before 11pm (flyer)

A Kinder, Gentler America

2006-06-17T23:02:00.000-04:00

I saw this ad on a vintage subway car. It's from some time before we were born:

Apparently, traffic safety was important enough to create images of children lying dead in a pool of their own blood. But further investigation leads to some startling discoveries. Clearly, anyone who drives does not keep their suit jacket buttoned while driving. Thus, what "struck" me was that the man who exited his car had time to button his suit jacket. Thus, he must have buttoned it prior to inspecting the child but after he got out of his car. Also, his hair is remarkably well-arranged despite the assumption that he slammed his brakes. Unless he did not slam his brakes but cheerfully slammed into the child to help us rid ourselves of careless, sloppy, non-safety-minded children. I'm going to assume the former.

So, to recap, the lesson here is: see child in street - slam brakes - hit child anyway - exit car and see child lying in pool of own blood - look around for fashion police - straighten hair - button suit jacket - investigate. I guess if you're guilty of vehicular homicide, there's no use committing a crime against fashion as well.

FOLLOW-UP

I also saw this gem:

To be perfectly honest, I had no idea what this ad was trying to tell me. All I knew was that it appears to be before women had the right to vote, but that when they DO get the right to vote, they'll unanimously vote for "GOLD DUST" (whatever that is). To top off the vague offensiveness, there are two naked Negro babies playing with dishes in the corner.

After a routine google search, it appears that "Gold Dust" was a popular brand of cleaning product that marketed itself as the brand women like because women naturally enjoy cleaning dishes more than anything else in the world, other than sitting on their lazy asses. Which is why they prefer Gold Dust because Gold Dust is represented by the twin Negro babies who do all the work for the women. Some other ads include slogans like "Someone must stay home to do the work of daughter, sister, maid" or copy like "If you're one of those women who like scientific 'reasons', we will explain how we save you time:" or "Let the gold dust twins do your work so you have time for ... everything else."

Wow, and here I thought they were trying to be offensive. How wrong I was.

Sham Pain For My Sham Friends

2006-06-16T16:16:00.000-04:00

Here at Shitparade, we have a little tradition called "Alex needs to get out more", in which Alex, a sometime-contributor to the parade and always-hilarious insomniac, addresses the types of issues that seem important when you've been awake for two full days watching The Sopranos, writing final papers, and eating those sausage-and-cheese sticks most people ignore at the deli counters. In other words, when you're legally insane, and probably malnourished. Past topics have included the syntax of Epson advertisements and an elegy for the world's ugliest dog. So you can imagine our excitement to learn that none other than Sean Carter - yes, Mr. H to the Izzo himself - is in the practice of staying awake for two full days with a DVD box set, a laptop, and those sausage-and-cheese packs too.

What else could explain his "champagne campaign" to free the hip hop world of Cristal? Apparently, Mr. Carter considers Cristal racist because of statements made by Frederic Rouzaud, the managing director of champagne umbrella company Louis Roederer. When asked by The Economist whether the association with hop hop could hurt the company's image, Roederer responded, "That's a good question, but what can we do? We can't forbid people from buying it. I'm sure Dom Perignon or Krug would be delighted to have their business." The article's author continues, "Both Dom Perignon and Krug have had their share of unwelcome attention, too." In response, Jay released a statement Wednesday inaccurately fuming that Rouzaud "views the 'hip hop' culture as 'unwelcome attention'". He also vowed to replace the $450-600 bottles of Cristal available at 40/40 and his other sports clubs with Dom Perignon and Krug.

Asked whether he would denounce bling to protest the infamously oppressive African diamond trade, or trade in his Mercedes because of it's roots in Nazi Germany, Jay-Z jumped into his bling-encrusted Benzo, gave a hearty "Sieg heil, son!", and took to the Hills.

So, in honor of his fearless confrontation of an issue that must have seemed gravely important at 3:30am on Tuesday, we award Jay-Z a customized, blinged-out, honorary "Alex needs to get out more" plaque:

This year's nominees also included Whole Foods, who have decided to stop stocking live lobsters and soft shell crabs because of the inhumane storage of the animals. The slow boiling death that follows purchase naturally didn't come up.

Ph.d Stands for Phood

2006-06-11T20:47:00.000-04:00

Dear loyal reader –

It is SUMMER. This means that it is time to GRILL. Specifically, it is time to grill, for FREE.

My relationship with you has always been light-hearted, dear reader, and I'd like it to stay that way. To that end, I try to keep my personal philosophies separate from my blog as much as possible. Sure, sometimes a derogatory comment about Germans slips through (because they're perverts), but mostly, you are my sunshine, reader. Why would I want to put a dark cloud of personal beliefs over a perfectly clear day?

But now, I say NAY. You deserve to know, dearest reader, so here is what I believe: I believe in Cheap Food. I don't just eat it. I think about it all the time and cook it when it's not handy. But it's always handy, because this is New York City – the Big Apple, for pete's sake. The whole damned city is edible.

Frank Bruni , the verbose author of the weekly highbrow restaurant review in the New York Times Dining Out section, once wrote: "Eating is not synonymous with dining." The other night, a friend and I ate at an empanada joint in the East Village. The furniture (not synonymous with decor) consisted of cafeteria tables, plastic banquettes, tile floors, and murky fluorescent lighting. We ate fried sweet plantains and their milder green cousins; pasteles, a cuban equivalent of tamales; yellow rice with earthy, spicy black bean stew; and Ajonjoli - a white sesame drink similar to Mexican horchata.

We split the bill. It came to $6 each. "We may not be dining," I thought to myself, "but eating ain't half bad."

Since then, I've realized that Eating is better than not half bad. It's awesome. There is a place for dining – but somehow, trendy obsession with food has overtaken the food itself. In celebration of real Eating, food prepared without posture or pretense, I've started a food blog called Low Brow Eating.

Low Brow Eating isn't just eating in Low Brow restaurants. If you make a meal out of free samples at Costco, that's Low Brow; if you go to a gallery opening for the hors d'eouvres, that's Low Brow; if you figure out a way to get a cheap meal out of a tony menu, that can be Low Brow. I'm a Low Brow Eater. Many of my friends, by necessity and preference, are Low Brow Eaters. They appreciate the subtleties of a sick Jamaican beef patty, and they'll venture into deep Brooklyn for a delicious taco. And, back to my original topic, they dig on a good summer BBQ. As, I'm sure, do you.

To that end, my first review on Low Brow Eating is up now, as well as a weekly calendar of free-to-cheap food events around the Apple. And just FYI, there is so much free and cheap eating available this week that with some determination, you could eat and drink all week and spend nary a $15 bill. And enjoy a crapload of barbecue. Because that is what free summer food is made of.

Yours in the force,

~Andrea

Lookin' For Love In A Trashcan

2006-06-09T16:37:00.000-04:00

Looking for that special someone? Want to be on a reality show? Not willing to risk sacrificing your workaday sheep schedule in order to do either? ShitParade - and production team Bunim-Murray (Real World, Simple Life) is here for you. If you're a hopeless romantic, a player, a gamekiller, or a bunch of other fucking oppressive labels invented by the MTV gestapo aka THE MAN, Bunim-Murray is casting a new reality show, and you may finally be accepted for something.

In other news, Bunim-Murray is casting people to jump off the Empire State Building. Maybe you should do that too. Baaaaah.

Flagrant use of all-caps after the J U M P.

DO IT - 6.9.06

2006-06-09T15:07:00.000-04:00

Here are your weekend’s events. The press release for the Good Time Kid Benefit – all proceeds of which go to Chris Schorb, an individual battling brain cancer – promises a performance from “4 Guys formerly on DFA about to drop their second album”. I wonder who those 4 guys could be?

Speaking of 4 guys, look out for the Standing Nudes to open for The Fiery Furnaces and Man Man at Webster Hall on Thu 6.29 – tickets available now. They have a girl actually, and 3 guys, but that all depends on your social conditioning. In less awesome news, the 6.27 Streets / Lady Sovereign show is sold out.

The MoCCA Art Fest is an indie comicon – a time to read and discover, a time to enjoy free birthday cake (Sat, 1pm), finally ask those New Yorker artists what the hell they’re laughing about (Sat, 2:10pm), and stalk heartthrob “graphic novelist” Adrian Tomine (Sun, 2:10pm). It’s $8 for 1 day and $10 for 2 – see their site for full schedule.

Still bored? Fuck you. But go to the Animals And More Animals series at Film Forum to watch two French films – one about animals romping about by the seaside, and one about animals dead, stuffed, and taxonomy-ed in the Parisian Museum of Natural History.

And, more on this in a second: there are SO MANY FREE FOOD EVENTS THIS WEEKEND. All FREE FOOD events are labeled in sexy RED. Asterixes like this: * mean I could show.

Fri 6.9 Godiva Tower @ Luna Park, 10am-2pm, FREE (ice cream!)
Fri 6.9 Ned Vizzini teen writing workshop @ B&N Pslope, 5pm, FREE
Fri 6.9 Graffiti Art Overdose opening @ McCaig & Welles, 7pm, FREE

Fri 6.9 James Brown @ BB King, 8pm, $85
Fri 6.9 We Are Wolves + The Isles @ Canal Room, 8pm, $15
Fri 6.9 Kettle of Fish @ Rockefeller Center, dusk, FREE
Fri 6.9 The Coup @ Southpaw, 9pm, $15
Fri 6.9 Morrisey Park Reunion @ Double Happiness, FREE (bar 9:30-10:30pm)

Fri 6.9 Bugjuice @ Luke + Leroy, FREE before 11pm, $5 after (bar 10-11pm)

Fri 6.9 Cat Power Afterparty @ Tribeca Grand, 11pm, FREE w/RSVP (flyer)

Fri 6.9 Finger On The Pulse @ Royal Oak, FREE (bar 1am)
*Fri 6.9 Shake Some Action @ Royale, FREE (flyer)

Sat 6.10 MoCCA art fest @ Puck Building, 11am-Sun 6pm, $8-10
*Sat 6.10 Big Apple BBQ @ Madison Square Park, 12pm, FREE
*Sat 6.10 Love as Laughter @ Union Pool, 2pm, $3 (FREE BBQ!) (flyer)

Sat 6.10 Iron Artist @ PS 1, 3pm, $5 suggested
Sat 6.10 Levitation @ Visual Arts Gallery, 4pm, FREE (chocolate!)
Sat 6.10 Peelander-Z @ Bowery Ballroom, 8pm, $15
Sat 6.10 MoCCA afterparty @ Cake Shop, FREE (bar 8pm)
Sat 6.10 Vice Mag Photo Show @ Silverstein Photo, 8pm, FREE w/RSVP

Sat 6.10 Dungen @ Irving Plaza, 9pm, $20
*Sat 6.10 Ill Out With Your Grill Out @ Lulu’s, 9pm, FREE w/RSVP (bar + po’boys!) (flyer)

Sat 6.10 Robot Rock @ Movida, bar 10-11pm, FREE w/RSVP
Sat 6.10 Rated X @ Luke + Leroy, bar 10-11pm, $5 mention Shaw Promotion
Sat 6.10 Mad Suspect @ Savalas, FREE (flyer)

Sun 6.11 Man in the Dark 3D! @ Film Forum, various times, $10
Sun 6.11 Big Apple BBQ @ Madison Sq Park, 12pm, FREE
Sun 6.11 Loving Day @ Delancey, 2pm, FREE (beer + BBQ!) w/RSVP

Sun 6.11 BBQ and Floating Rock show @ Empty Vessel, 7pm, FREE
*Sun 6.11 Good Time Kid Cancer Benefit @ Crash Mansion, 8pm, $16 (flyer)

Hey Sweetie

2006-06-08T14:03:00.000-04:00

Alright, the votes are in - This is literally the Best Craigslist Post - EVER.

Note the strategically placed bus. If you believe in love, you will take this woman to dinner.

Forget-Me-Nots! Rising Stars!

2006-06-06T11:36:00.000-04:00

My dear and loyal reader, forgive me. Last week, I went to Alabama, and was so overwhelmed with fatigue -- drop-kicked by Crunk!!!, Red Bull, Red Celeste, No Fear, Pimp Juice, Superman SuperPower, Tab, MDX, and coffee -- that I could not write to you. But I did not forget. I could not forget you. Look at me. No, look at my eyes. I could not - and would not - forget you. OK?

OK?

OK. That said, props to Max for taking the reigns and being the best co-blogger ever. And now, to prove I love you, here's Paris Hilton's first single, which sounds almost exactly like No Doubt "Underneath It All", except that the chorus starts "Even though the gods are crazy," and it's Paris Hilton singing about eternal love:

Paris Hilton - Stars Are Blind [mp3]

And: a brief and exciting report on the fashion world!

Guess who's getting work? (click the pic to see...)

That's right! Little Kimmy's all growed up, and was seen strutting her stuff at the Sprite Street Couture Showcase for Triple Five Soul, in front of the likes of Missy Elliott, Kanye West, Amerie, and Lydia Hearst. Guess that Elite contract's doin' her right...

Mea Culpa,

~Andrea

Beat Kids!

2006-06-05T18:35:00.000-04:00

I hereby announce a Maxx Attack of the highest order: here she is, pervs, your DANCEPARTYSCENESTER MIX for the month of June. In honor of 3 things: 1. we all need a little dance inside us 2. I'm going to be on the road for most of the summer, and I'd hate to leave you in a lurch up shitparade creek without a paddle (Seth Green/Matthew Lillard style) 3. this shit is too revolutionary to keep it like a secret - I must don and doff my tastemaker cap. Get ready for a westside junkie/male-hustler to rock the mic, for the neu-est electrohiphop straight outta Germany, and for the most addictive outfit to emerge unscathed from Wesleyan U.'s post-MGMT cycle of dancing-musics. We begin...

" You can do me up like Woodrow Wilson."

1. Boy Crisis - Dressed To Digress This is pure aural sexx. It's so slick, so crispy, lyrically daunting, satirically haunting. Boy Crisis is Tal R., Alex K. and Victor V, hella '06, Wes-style, and they've created a monster with this one, something of an anthem of modern romance. In between all the breath catching and namedropping, this track reveals itself as love letter. "You're the shit, Girl." There's something equally vulgar and celebratory about this refrain. Something vulgar and celebratory about this type of unflappable commitment. Put it on repeat, learn all the words, play it for your friends, create a dance for it, feel it inside you, have a mint.[VISIT THEIR MYSPACE, WATCH SOME VIDEOS]

2. Mynx - I'm So L.A. This ditty is like a charicature in song form. I hope nobody thinks I'm like the people portrayed in this song, because I'm not. I have nothing in common with them. However, I love perpetuating L.A. stereotypes in order to perplex the rest of the country. I've included this song for said reason, and because it's catchy as a Koochball. Mynx are a co-ed duo (cousins) from... guess where, and they describe themselves as a darker B-52's. Apparently this song is from 2004, but... well, I guess it's a classic at this point. [BUY THE MYNX E.P.]

3. You Don't Want Yr Nails Done - Panther INFLUENCE: "If you're a fly gal, then get yr nails done. Get a pedicure. Get yr hair did." LYRICS: "When you are making this fist... uh huh. You don't want your hair done (REPEAT). Oh making of these fists. Baby baby (REPEAT). Doctor store (REPEAT 4EVER). Sha duh duh baby baby baby baby baby boo [...] Motherfucker!" BIO: "Panther is the solo thing by Charlie from Portland, OR -he's the dude from The Planet The. God help us." VIDEO: here. ALBUM: not out yet. That's all I know, but I like it.

4. Jane Fonda - Mickey Avalon Yo, the Ave is blowing up! LA Weekly cover story, cobrasnake photographed prom afterparty performances, and, to boot, this song's playing on Santino's myspace! Big time. Anyway, I'll spare you the backstory (check out the article, it's quite a good read), but Mickey Avalon's got a history of drugs, prostitution and a present of glam-rap. Sunny D. Levine, illest and bestest of Santa Monica, produced some stuff for him. I think his flow is very interesting and I think an above average number of tracks on his album are really solid. I'm especially fond of the grand finale, entitled "My Dick." [BUY MICKEY AVALON]

5. Muallem (feat. Amazon) - Are You Ready? (Turn Off The Lights) In a perfect world, this is the single track that sets the floor ablaze. Like that Dr. Octagon tune that Andrea posted a while ago, this Muallem dude is bringing some shit from outer space. Or from... Munich. Great beat, it actually has a melody, and those synthesizers are so tasty. Googling the female MC, Amazon, was tricky. But if this song is any indication, she's got the goods. [BUY FRANKIE SPLITS]

6. Snowblink - Sing Me An Oak Tree Slowing things down a bit (note: you can dance to this, but it should be a slowdance. With someone you care about, please)... Snowblink is Daniela Gesundheit and (most of the time) an assortment of boys on backing vox and noisemakers. Snowblink is a true pleasure. Daniela is on tour for a few more weeks and you can buy the music at these shows, so check out the tourdates and some other lovely songs on myspace. And then the song becomes something else coming from another room, perhaps?

**Bonus Track: The Gossip - Standing In The Way of Control One last bit of dancypants. Now, okay, I like the bassline, but... I feel like the singer wants to sound like like Sleater-Kinney, but she really sounds like Lenny Kravitz. I'm serious. Listen to it and make a mashup with "Are You Gonns Go My Way " in your head, and tell me that I'm wrong. Dare you to tell me that I'm wrong. [BUY STANDING IN THE WAY OF CONTROL]

A public service announcement.

2006-05-23T12:34:00.000-04:00

Certain things are worth the money you spend to get them, like happiness and love. Other things are worth the money - but why do they have to cost so damn much? I'm talking about sex, obviously. And condoms in particular, especially those fancy ones that come in silver cannisters.

Thankfully, this is the millenium capital of the world, and you don't have to worry about the cost of condoms. Out of their deference to your libido, the city provides condoms at locations in all five boroughs - full list HERE - presumably in basements full of boner-killing posters about chlamydia.

As another kick in the red states' pants: I hear Planned Parenthood is giving out free abortions for promo purposes!

I know what my weekend plans are,

~Andrea

DO IT 5.22.06

2006-05-22T12:59:00.000-04:00

Tonight's movie at Monkeytown is a "recently reissued 1971 pseudo-doc about government detention of potential radicals." What is a pseudo-doc? This is only interesting if you're, say, writing a con law final about presidential power in wartime, but I haven't the slightest idea why you'd do that, voluntarily.
But the real highlight of this week is: FREE FOOD! All over the place! But mostly, on Wednesday. To celebrate the free nosh, I've decided to BOLD the free food events. Or just the word "food". So look out for that. It means there's free FOOD.

Mon 5.22 Haute Green Reception @ 53 N3rd, 7pm, FREE w/bar
Mon 5.22 Punishment Park @ Monkeytown, 7:30pm, FREE
Mon 5.22 Gnarls Barkley + Spank Rock @ Webster Hall, 8pm, $25
Mon 5.22 Art Brut @ Soundfix, 8pm, FREE
Mon 5.22 Music + 1 hr. bar + free pizza @ Trash, 8pm, $6
*Mon 5.22 Channel 102 @ Anthology Film Archives, 8pm, $5
Mon 5.22 Living Spaces @ Supreme Trading, 9pm, FREE w/bar
*Tue 5.23 The Giraffes @ The Annex, 9pm, $8

Tue 5.23 Dub Trio @ Pianos, 9:30pm, $8
Wed 5.24 Nature Collection @ Monkeytown, 6pm, FREE w/food + bar!
Wed 5.24 Summer In the City Bash @ Bed, 6pm, FREE w/food + bar! (flyer)

Wed 5.24 Laurie Anderson @ Joe's Pub, 7pm, $25
Wed 5.24 Table Tennis Tournament @ 131 Bowery, 7pm, FREE w/RSVP

Wed 5.24 The Walkmen @ Webster Hall, 7:30pm, $20
Wed 5.24 The Books @ World Financial Center, 8pm, FREE
*Wed 5.24 Sub Rosa @ Fat Baby, 10pm, $6
Thu 5.25 UPSO @ Kid Robot, 6pm, FREE (flyer)

Thu 5.25 Measles Mumps Rubella @ Cake Shop, 9pm, $7
Fri 5.26 Dansettes + La Laque @ Mercury Lounge, 8:30pm, $10
Fri 5.26 Bishop Allen @ Pianos, 7:30pm, $8
Fri 5.26 usaisamonster @ The Woodser, 8pm, $6

Fri 5.26 Vaz @ Place, 9pm, $6
Fri 5.26 Soul Position @ Bowery Ballroom, 9pm, $17
Fri 5.26 Cheeseburger + Bellmer Dolls @ Trash, 11:30pm, $8
Fri 5.26 Sweat @ The Delancey, FREE (flyer)

The Highlife.

2006-05-17T15:13:00.000-04:00

This stuff would be funny, if it weren't so repulsive. SEE! Pete Doherty launch his own blood out of a syringe at an MTV camera, much to the chagrin of his bandmates. SEE! Brandon Davis, looking very Elvis in Las Vegas, go off on a rant about Lindsay Lohan's "firecrotch" and opine that "she's worth about $7 million, which means she's really poor. It's disgusting." SEE! Him do it again.

Her dad's hotter than her,

~Andrea

Where is Jesse Camp?

2006-05-16T13:43:00.000-04:00

The Onion wrote a spoof article on the topic in February ("I Don't Wonder What Jesse Camp Is Up To These Days", The Onion, 2/8/2006), which really got me thinking: what's Jesse Camp up to these days? Months later, I still don't know, but according to some research conducted by MTV in March, he's living in LA, and his former manager says he "has spent the last several years trying to find himself and do the right thing, unfortunately without much success to date." So Jesse Camp is a junkie in LA. Can't say I'm shocked, but I feel for the guy. And I'd like to find him. And you know, get some organic yam fries or something. How's about it, JC?

Also, how can Jesse Camp & The Eighth Street Kidz not have sold more records? They were way, way ahead of their time (I'm looking at you, The Vines).

We're just working on our chemistry,
it starts with your lips and a little bit of kinetic energy,

~Andrea

Jesse Camp & The Eighth Street Kidz - See You Around

2006-05-15T12:34:00.000-04:00

The schedule for the fifth annual River to River festival has just been released. I'd like to include the whole schedule, but there are over 500 events, so I've picked some highlights. Of note: The Super Furry Animals event is part of the 3-day Launch! event, and the Smithsonian National Museum of the American Indian will have free daily film screenings through June 25 of American Indian-themed films and documentaries, such as Return of the Navajo Boy:

Super Furry Animals w/ Dead Meadow and Andy Votel
Date: 06/02/2006
Time: 7:00PM
Location: South Street Seaport, Pier 17
view event details

Governors Island Historic Harbor District Tours
Date: 06/03/2006
Time: 10:00AM
Location: Governors Island Ferry Terminal, 10 South Street, Slip 7
view event details

Anthony Braxton's Composition #19 - Marching Piece for 100 Tubas
Date: 06/04/2006
Time: 1:00pm-2:00pm.
Location: World Financial Center Plaza & Oval Lawn
view event details

WFC and River to River Present: Eels with Smoosh
Date: 06/13/2006
Time: 7:00PM
Location: World Financial Center Plaza
view event details

Music and Martinis at Papooís Italian Cuisine & Bar
Date: 06/14/2006
Price: FREE
Location: Papooís Italian Cuisine & Bar, 55 Broadway
view event details

Torchlight Tour: Explore the Ruins of the Fulton Ferry Hotel
Date: 06/21/2006
Time: 6:00PM
Location: South Street Seaport Museum, 12 Fulton Street
view event details

Draft Beer Tasting at the Captain's Ketch
Date: 06/21/2006
Time: 5:00PM
Price: FREE
Location: Captain's Ketch Restaurant, 181 Pearl Street
view event details

July 4th Concert in Battery Park: Belle and Sebastian
Date: 07/04/2006
Time: 3:30PM
Price: FREE
Location: Battery Park
view event details

The Alliance for Downtown New York and River to River present Music at Castle Clinton: Mates of State
Date: 07/06/2006
Time: 7:00PM
Price: FREE
Location: Castle Clinton National Monument in Battery Park
view event details

World Financial Center and River to River Present: Puffy Amiyumi
Date: 07/11/2006
Time: 7:00PM
Location: World Financial Center Plaza
view event details

Battery Park City and River to River present Maude Maggart with Tony DeSare
Date: 07/12/2006
Time: 7:00PM
Location: Rockefeller Park
view event details

Chardonnay Wine Tasting at the Captains Ketch
Date: 07/19/2006
Time: 5:00PM
Price: FREE
Location: Captain's Ketch Restaurant, 181 Pearl Street
view event details

The Alliance for Downtown New York and River to River present Music at Castle Clinton: Josh Rouse
Date: 07/20/2006
Time: 7:00PM
Location: Castle Clinton National Monument in Battery Park
view event details

98.7 Kiss FM presents Summer Soul Nights: Sugar Hill Gang
Date: 07/20/2006
Time: 7:00PM
Location: South Street Seaport, Pier 17
view event details

The Alliance for Downtown New York and River to River present Music Castle Clinton: The Hold Steady
Date: 07/27/2006
Time: 7:00PM
Location: Castle Clinton National Monument in Battery Park
view event details

Small Number, Big Impact: Swiss Immigration to the United States
Date: 08/01/2006
Location: Ellis Island Immigration Museum at Statue of Liberty National Monument
view event details

Hoop-It-Up: 3-on-3 Basketball Event
Date: 08/05/2006-08/06/2006
Time: 8:00AM
Location: Water Street between Broad and Beekman Streets
view event details

Now That's HIP! Movie Nights: Prisoner of Second Avenue
Date: 08/08/2006
Time: 6:30PM
Location: Elevated Acre at 55 Water Street
view event details

Sauvignon Blanc Wine Tasting at the Captains Ketch
Date: 08/23/2006
Time: 5:00PM
Location: Captain's Ketch Restaurant, 181 Pearl Street
view event details

The South Street Seaport and River to River present Seaport Music: Ted Leo + Pharmacists
Date: 08/25/2006
Time: 7:00PM
Location: South Street Seaport, Pier 17
view event details

Now That's HIP! Movie Nights: Rear Window
Date: 08/29/2006
Time: 6:30PM
Location: Elevated Acre at 55 Water Street
view event details

It Ain't My Fault If I Shit On Ya'll

2006-05-15T12:04:00.000-04:00

Killa Season, Cam'ron's first LP to be released off the Roc, comes out tomorrow. I've heard rough versions of a lot of the songs, but missed out on this particular gem. "I.B.S." is about Killa Cam's chronic Irritable Bowel Condition, or IBS, which apparently involves "abdominal pain or discomfort...associated with a change in bowel pattern, such as loose or more frequent bowel movements, diarrhea, and/or constipation." No doubt, an excellent topic to cover next to Girls, Cash, and Cars.

Cam'ron - "I.B.S." [PRE-ORDER KILLA SEASON]

Wouldn't you love to be a gangsta too?

~Andrea

Party Mix! New Outkast! Preteens! Shoo!

2006-05-10T16:22:00.000-04:00

To celebrate Tom Cruise in general and specifically Wesleyan's Spring Fling celebration with ANDREW WK!!! and some other whoevers, here is an ass-ramming clit-twiddling fucksplosion of sick beats that make you want to have sex and kill cops, served with an indie pop song by two tween girls! Look out for lyrics like "My rhymes are painfully fresh, my pussy's tasting the best, i'm face-scratching, weave-snatching if you ready to step!" Out!

1. Smoosh - Find A Way Smoosh made a splash at CMJ with their pop prodigy act; 12-year-old drummer Chloe and 14-year-old frontkid/keyboardist Asya supposedly write their own music, and certainly execute it with grace. This song takes Smoosh out of the precocious-young-things category, and puts them smack in the holy-shit-what-are-you-Jesus category. Do you hear those drums? Do you hear those vocals? Pre-puberty is doing something great for Asya's voice. Some blogger complained that on the upcoming Barsuk release, the girls have "moved into a little more 'general' sound, rather than the quirky quality of She Like Electric". I'm not sure what in the flying hell "general" sound is - but I feel comfortable calling this song "specific", or even "meticulously outlined, with citations." [PRE-ORDER FREE TO STAY]

2. Spank Rock - Bump Yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo! [BUY YOYOYOYOYO]

3. Papoose - Alphabet Slaughter For those of ya'll that didn't finish school, Papoose breaks down the alphabet - flawlessly. Hard to explain the gimmick here, but it is awesome - and it ends with "A&R's, holla at me now - or suffer later!" Amen. [BUY PAPOOSE MIXTAPES] [THANKS AVI]

4. Outkast - The Mighty O The first single off Idlewilde, and thus destined to blow up in a matter of weeks. Reminds me of Outkast's old, laid-back dirty south sound, but the organ sample and synth give it a new soul / R&B spin. Enjoy the shit out of it now, before excessive play renders it charmless. [PREORDER IDLEWILD]

5. Uffie - Pop The Glock

6. Uffie - Ready To Uff If Peaches had a vaguely European accent, looked like a VICE "do", was slightly less familiar with hip hop and slightly more into Jem & The Holograms, she'd be Uffie. Luckily, Uffie is doing it for her. [VISIT HER MYSPACE] [THANKS MAX]

7. Roots Manuva - Colossal Insight This track is from Alternately Deep, Roots' remix record of his 2005 release Awfully Deep. This has that particularly grimey aspect of being slow, but hard-hitting. Good soundtrack for lighting a spliff and casually shooting someone. [BUY ALTERNATELY DEEP]

6. Andrew WK - Party Hard Do it. [BUY LIVE DVD WHO KNOWS?]

**Bonus Track: Cibelle feat. Devendra Banhart - London, London Question: what's the sound solution to a full day of partying, hard rock, and substance abuse? Answer: Indie bossa nova. It's happening now. [BUY THE SHINE OF DRIED ELECTRIC LEAVES]

Baby, One More Time.

2006-05-10T12:22:00.000-04:00

Poor Britney Spears - she's full of Fetusline, again. A lot can be said about Kevin Federline - for instance that he's a greasy, talentless, inarticulate, repulsive embarassment to the country and the human race - but I gotta give him credit for having the brains to keep the former sex symbol knocked up. It's the Melania Knauss Trump effect; if you're making babies with a multi-millionaire, you're winning.

Back in the day, they called me K-Fed, but you can call me Daddy instead,

~Andrea

Poor David Blaine.

2006-05-09T12:29:00.000-04:00

For some reason, it makes me pretty sad that the man didn't get his record. Yeah, his priorities are iffy, but imagine if Houdini hadn't had iffy priorities. Exactly: we would never have a David Blaine. And we'll be able to say the same thing of David Blaine when Haley Joel Osment does a career change. In a poetic juxtaposition choice, watch David fail, cry, and rip out his own heart.

DO IT.

2006-05-03T16:09:00.000-04:00

Roman Polanski’s horror classic Repulsion is playing through Thursday at Film Forum; on Friday, their “B-noir” series opens with Kiss Me Deadly and The Killing – excited. Also, apparently this week it’s Cinco de Mayo, which is “Fifth of May” in like Mexican or something. Man, Mexicans are really hogging the spotlight in the newsmedia nowadays. Who are these Mexicans, anyway? Do they sound like Arcade Fire?

If you’re interested in free-alcohol-related event listings – and if you aren’t, I’m not sure why you’re reading this blog – check out MyOpenBar. For those of you unacquainted, they list Open Bar events, complete with descriptions that alternate between enthusiastic and acid. Also, I hear the women who write for them are stacked like monster truxxx.

Wed 5.3 Slavoj Zizek @ Deitch Wooster, 7pm, FREE
Wed 5.3 Cinco De Mayo @ Anthology Film Archives, 7pm, $5
Wed 5.3 Wolfmother release @ Sapphire, bar 10-11pm, FREE w/RSVP
Thu 5.4 Calhoun School Chorus @ B&N Lincoln Ctr, 4:15pm, FREE
*Thu 5.4 Standing Nudes @ Tonic, 8pm, $8
Thu 5.4 Cringe @ Freddy’s Backroom, 8:30pm, FREE
Thu 5.4 Basquiat opening @ Deitch Projects, (flyer)

*Fri 5.5 Ned Vizzini @ B&N Park Slope, 6:30pm, FREE
Fri 5.5 Rachael Ray @ B&N Union Sq, 7pm, FREE
Fri 5.5 Smashed!Blocked! @ Beauty Bar, bar 10-11pm, FREE (flyer)

A Waiting Game

2006-05-02T16:27:00.000-04:00

OMG, oops. I forgot our dear Lord Bruni last week - and don't think he didn't notice. Oh, he noticed alright, and made sure I felt the sting of his admonishment for my carelessness. How can I tell that he noticed? How can I read his feelings like a large-print book? Bruni is many things - beautiful, graceful, delicate, fragrant, and elegant among them - but subtle, he ain't. Thus, the headline for today's Diners Journal blog entry reads:

"Ever Hopeful".

I am certain that Bruni sits alone, every Thursday, in an inner chamber of his Scarsdale castle, and reads his own press by the meagre light of a solitary votive, perhaps while sipping spiced wine. And today, one day before press time, 24 hours before his inevitable weekly reckoning, he remains, Ever Hopeful, my Bruni.

Fear not, my little love. I read your review (NYT, "A Waiting Game With Savory Rewards", 4/26/06) I noted the layers of meaning, balanced one on top of the other like mille crepes. So, without further ado, the august Count of Dining Out, Lord Bruni:

For his review of August, the Marchese spends much of the article fagging out about earthenware. More specifically (and more faggy), he's very into the "vessels". And even more specifically, and infinitely more faggy: big, black cast-iron vessels. Apparently the brick oven and cobblestone floor, when coupled with "those cast-iron serving vessels", have the ability to transport you to make you "forget you aren't in Provence or Tuscany." Ham and potato with cheese, meanwhile, "bore smoky traces from the oven, and its rustic aura was enhanced by its black cast-iron vessel." And roasted cod is served with, um...with cockles, as well as croutons - which "proved essential for sopping up the olive oil at the bottom of its vessel - yet anohter piece of black iron cookware straight fro the brick oven." But what role do vessels play during the day? Fear not - long gone are the days when a girl could only show off her vessel at night. In fact, "vessels play a major role during weekend brunch, when the restaurant uses them to bake eggs in the oven." How smart!

That's right. Not pots. Not plates. Not serving bowls or trays. Nay - they are vessels, plain and simple. I'm almost sure he doesn't mean vessel in the scientologist sense, so of course the question begs: what does a vessel look like?

moi?

moi?

moi?
Sadly, the real answer isn't half as interesting. No, the cast iron metal vessels look like this:

Light of my life, fire of my loins: a vessel at August.
Indeed, Bruni acknowledges that "August has its limits and disappointments" - such as a "stringy casserole of salt cod." Obviously, had it been served in something more suitable - a cast iron vessel, par example - it may have been saved. Overall, though, the design at August is just top notch:

The distressed plaster walls of the restaurant look like centuries-old stone, and wine bottles are wedged into various crannies, an artful pantomime of artlessness. It all works because it's all of a piece.

No wonder our hero spends so much time on interior design; he is, after all, in the West Village. In "the kind of fairly priced, solidly pleasing, intimate refuge the West Village likes to pretend it's full of but really isn't." Tut, tut, Bruni! Way to hand it to the West Village.

As we've come to expect, Bruni uses some of his favorite expressive instruments, such as mixed metaphors:

we were given sizeable wedges of peasant bread as crunchy sponges for the gooey treasure.

Sassy quotation marks:

Make sure to avoid a grainy, funky "chestnut truffle honey mousse."

Bruni refuses to dignify this insult to fine dining by acknowledging its existence. It supposedly exists - quote unquote - but probably doesn't.

And of course, a parting dose of "restaurant humor":

I say that almost without reservation.

Har.

Eat out of my vessel,

~Andrea

Coachella Fitzgerald

2006-05-01T17:04:00.000-04:00

Baptism by rhythm and melody.
Spiritual cleansing through dust, grass and sweat.
Physical and mental collapse; then phoenix-like rebirth.

My people wandered in the desert for forty years and here I am, schvitzing for two days, calling myself conqueror.
But it's true: I did conquer Coachella. I effing destroyed that beast.

SATURDAY:

Accidentally brought my Sunday ticket to the gate. Sprinted a few miles back to the car to get the right one while Megan waited patiently. As soon as I'm in the gate, I am winded, wheezing, dripping, exhausted. Not a pretty site. Two full days to go. Caught my breath, grabbed a veggie gyro, stocked up on $2 water bottles and was still able to see Celebration do three songs. Loved them. Later in the day they joined TV on The Radio during their set.

Found Frank. Saw some of White Rose Movement. We were too close to the speakers, may have done permanant damge too soon in the festival. Excited for a recovening of two 1st wave Boogie Club members, Frank and I danced hard to the generic anti-fascist (but still Gestapo-styled) Britdancerock. Again, I overexerted myself too early.

Then, on to the wonderous S-O-V! Lady Sovereign. So short, so funny, so young, so tough, so sincere, so grime. The perfect woman. Best moments: she asks everyone to raise their beers in the air, but you can't take beer out of the beer garden, so nothing happens. When she begins the song "Hoodie," she asks everyone who's wearing a hoodie to pull the hood up over their heads, but because it's 95 degrees, only like 4 guys have hoodies. I thought her DJ looked a little bit like Skinner from The Streets.

Then we hightailed it from the Gobi tent to the Outdoor stage (the smaller of the two outdoor stages) to get in there early for Animal Collective. The Zutons were still playing, and very well I might add. They were one of those, "Oh I like em but probably won't be able to see em" bands for the festival, but we saw around 4 songs, including my favorite one, "You Will You Won't." They sounded good. Very tight, very good sound mix. And the girl playing sax was a cutie bombootie. As soon as they were done, we made an aggressive dash to the front. Got a great spot, second deep, right in front of Avey Tare, with a good view of Panda Bear. While they were setting up, I realized that the Geologist looks a lot like Joachim Cooder, who was hanging in the VIP area. I wanted to coordinate a meeting of the two bearded men, but I did not. The set was mindblowing, we lost our minds and they got squished and then we screwed them back on. Security guards watched the band with the most baffled looks. The set hyped Frank up a lot, so afterwards we chilled and drank some Acai smoothies.

Then... caught Deerhoof's last song. Love them much. Staight on to the brilliant TV on The Radio set, in the Mohave tent (the middle sized one). Like animal collective, these guys channel the spirit when they play. They tap into a whole other energy set, a seperate vibrational sphere. The songs were from mostly from the first E.P. and they played a lot of material from the new record, "Return To Cookie Mountain," which sounds amazing live. I think when it comes out, people are going to go apeshit over it. It's sonic perfection to my ears and my eyes also found it to be a delight. David Sitek really attacks his guitar and shows you how important his machine gun rythym guitar adventures are to their overall sound -he's not just the token amped up white dude. Tunde, dressed like he was on holiday, hollered. There's something magical about his and Kyp Malone's harmonies and they got even greater when Katrina Ford from Celebration got on the mic with them. It ended with a beatboxing rave-up throwdown hypnosis session on "Ambulance" concluding with a triumphant embrace between Sitek and Malone.

Then on to the wanting-very-much-to-be-messianic Devendra Banhart. Expected the set to be much freakier, folkier, crunchy like cereal. By the end it kind of turned into a soul revue, which made me like the guy more. Plus, his band was very very tight, hand-picked (or poached?) of good folks from other bands: Andy from Vetiver, Noah and Luckey from The Pleased, and Eliza from Bunnybrains. Devendra is so christlike that during his set he let Andy play a Vetiver song, let Noah play a song, and picked a girl from the audience to do a song too. He may be overly diplomatic, he may "smell like a skunk who smoked raw cock" (according to Chunklet magazine), but I have to say I was might impressed.

Then Cat Power blew my mind, playing almost all of The Greatest (and a short/sweet solo medley of covers), with the Memphis Rythym Band. I have to say I was nervous for Chan, because I care for her well-being. I bought a ticket to see her on tour and then it was cancelled. My assumption is she got crazy nervous. Whatever. Maybe she's in therepy, or on meds, or both or neither, but on Saturday night, in the middle of the desert, Cat Power transfromed from a stage-frighting girl to a bouncing, joyous, sare-i-say... rockstar? She owned it. She left the driving to the competant and awesome band (back up singers! horns! string section! oh my!) and came off confident and commanding. Left me feeling so happy for her. It was the first, out of four times, that I've seen her do a show without a hitch. It was like the really fragile girl belting out her Haftorah at her Bat Mitzvah, much to the surprise of all the other 13 year olds. Mazel Tov to Ms. Marshall: today you are a woman.

Finished the night off watching a little kid with rad hair and dope childe grillz creating a whole new dance vocabulary to the music of Atmoshphere, wandered by the mainstage for a little Depeche Mode, then wrapped up over at Daft Punk, who sounded kickass. But after three or four songs, I realized it was indeed time to go. When you're watching two guys in Robot helmets, on a video screen, from very far away, playing songs from their laptops, you can't help but laugh at the situation, right?

All in all, a great day. Exhausted, covered in sweat, headache, ears ringing. Very very happy. And not sunburned.

SUNDAY REPORT COMING SOON-ISH!

AFLAC!

2006-04-27T14:37:00.000-04:00

The Chicago city council has outlawed foie gras! La civilisation meurt. N'est pas vrais! Queest-ce que le monde est devenu, quand on nous interdit de manger le foie engraissé d'une oie gavée? Les Américains sont des barbares! Merde-mangeurs! Woz eet not ze great Marcel Proust who opined: Chantez à l'âne, il vous fera des pêts! Sing to an ass, he will fart in your face!

Joe Moore, the sponsor of the ban, claims it proves that Chicagoans "uphold the value of a civilized society." Oh, look at Chicago - once the largest producer of meat products - putting on airs all of a sudden. And what do the champions of civilized society eat, may we ask? Ah, yes: of course.

Mayor Richard Daley, meanwhile, who's been known to tuck into some gras once in a while, was in such a state of shock that he responded with, "We have issues with children being killed." Indeed. I can tell you this much: Chicago is dead to Bruni.

~Andrea

So Adic-tive

2006-04-27T12:52:00.000-04:00

Adidas has commissioned a bunch of directors to make short films about colors. This is the latest move in the (wildly successful?) Adicolor campaign, based around the reinterpretation of a plain white sneaker sold with weatherproof markers, originally released in 1983 - this time with a hefty pricetag.

Vice is hosting the commercials on the interNOT to celebrate the Adicolor Vice edition jacket. My favorites are Roman Coppola's Red, which Vice accurately compares to that funny "End of the World" flash short, and the creepy Bjork-meets-Swarovski short for pink directed by surreal art photographer / director Charlie White, which has this jappy girl turning into a totally hot and blinged out foetus to the uplifting aural stylings of Greg Weeks. The disappointments include the white one, starring Jenna Jameson as Pamela Anderson Lee in that Lit video, and the irritatingly nonsensical green one which involves green paintball and some annoying narrative. The blue one is OK, just in that it shows a bunch of recognizable parts of NYC - even though the music has a weird rap that sounds like it's from a fruit stripes ad (blue is you, blue is new, bibbity bobbity boo).

Watch them all at the Vice Adicolor site

.

Doing my part to support major ad campaigns,

~Andrea

Ladies and Gentlemen: Dick

2006-04-26T16:48:00.000-04:00

I'm at work, but I wanted to check in so you know I still care. And what says caring like lots of dick? Nothing does. So here's lots of dick.

New dick.

Two dick.

Red dick, blue dick,

~Andrea

Who else seen a leprechaun say YEEEAHH!

2006-04-25T10:48:00.000-04:00

How YouTube is slowly melting my brain:

Wes Anderson's (pretty great) American Express Ad [THANKS COLIN]

The most hardcore televangelist you've ever seen ("Repeat after me, bitch: I come in the name of Jesus and the holy spirit!" - all set to "One Nation Under A Groove") [THANKS NICHOLAS]

Best Village People video you've never seen

A racially-charged news segment about a leprechaun in Alabama. [THANKS WILL]

The precursor to Eminem - Average Homeboy ("For enjoyment I like to shoot some hoops / but not until I eat all my Froot Loops" - all set to a keyboard demo beat)

Come on, let your fingers do the walking,

~Andrea

After I Graduate I Just Want To Travel

2006-04-21T14:43:00.000-04:00

And speaking of summer tours...could the Roskilde Festival be any better? Yes, if it weren't $230. But other than that, it's flawless.. Besides Animal Collective, Arctic Monkeys, Balkan Beat Box, CYHSY, George Clinton (wooooah!), Death Cab, Diplo, Bob Dylan (listed on the site as "Bob Dylan - One of the most important songwriters"), Editors, Franz Ferdinand, Goldfrapp, GUNS N' ROSES (maybe), Lady Sovereign (swoon), Jenny Lewis, Kaiser Chiefs, Matisyahu, Morrissey, The Raconteurs, Serena-Maneesh, Sigur Ros, Silver Jews, The Streets, The Strokes, Rufus Wainwright, Roger Waters performing THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON (what?!), Kanye West, Why?, and not one but TWO Wolf bands (Wolfkin, Wolfmother) - whimsically listed for you here in alphabetical order - they also have a "Humanitarian Focus" i.e. a charitable cause which is supported by proceeds. Who can argue with fighting child slavery in Cambodia? I probably can, but I won't, because I want to impress Jenny Lewis! See?! Also, the World Cup will play on a 40 square meter (that's 130 feet, plebes) screen, so you get to watch a bunch of crazy Europeans drink until they vomit every time they try to talk and eventually beat the holy ghost out of each other because of soccer! Holy shit! As if that weren't reason enough, this all takes place in Denmark, which means big fat Vikings running around half naked with funny helmets! Plus, 60+ year olds get in free, so expect tons of embarassing hippies at the Dylan and Roger Waters sets!

For the full lineup and news, go to the Roskilde Official Site. It's worth it just for their cute little summaries of each artist (Matisyahu is "Sublime flow dressed in an Orthodox Jewish outfit", and the Editors are "Gloomy rock drama" - haha).

If you go, try to remember that you're in Denmark, not the Netherlands, and that these people are Danish, not Dutch, and thus drugs are illegal, not legal, and you will get arrested if you walk around brazenly sparking doobs. Plus, take me with you!

Dude, we should totally go Amsterdam after this,

~Andrea

An Apple A Day

2006-04-20T19:11:00.000-04:00

Fiona Apple just released the dates of her headlining summer tour. I haven't seen her since she walked offstage at the 2000 Rock the Vote benefit - benefit (who remembers that?) - but I'm sure she's totally calmed down by now.

When The Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like A King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win The Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand And Remember That Depth Is The Greatest Of Heights And If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where To Land And If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right,

~Andrea

Fiona Apple On Tour - Summer 2006
Mon 6.19 Hard Rock Hotel and Casino Las Vegas, NV
Tue 6.20 Dodge Theatre Phoenix, AZ
Wed 6.21 Pechanga Resort & Casino Temecula, California
Fri 6.23 SDSU Open Air Theatre San Diego, CA*
Sat 6.24 Greek Theater Los Angeles, CA*
Sun 6.25 County Bowl Santa Barbara, CA*
Tue 6.27 Mountain Winery Saratoga, CA
Thu 6.29 Chronicle Pavilion Concord, CA*
Fri 6.30 Mountain Winery Saratoga, CA
Sat 7.1 Les Schwab Amphitheater Bend, OR*
Mon 7.3 Chateau Ste Michelle Seattle, WA*
Wed 7.5 City Lights Pavilion Denver, CO*
Fri 7.7 Nokia Theatre Dallas, TX*
Sat 7.8 The Backyard Austin, TX*
Sun 7.9 Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion Houston, TX*
Wed 7.12 Verizon Wireless Music Center Indianapolis, IN*
Thu 7.13 Charter One Pavilion Chicago, IL*
Fri 7.14 Northrop Auditorium Minneapolis, MN*
Fri 7.21 Bank of America Pavilion Boston, MA*
Sat 7.22 Nikon at Jones Beach Theatre Wantagh, NY*
Mon 7.24 Mohegan Sun Uncaseville, CT*
Wed 7.26 Central Park Summerstage New York City, NY*
Fri 7.28 Tweeter Center at the Waterfront Philadelphia, PA*
Sat 7.29 Borgata Atlantic City, NJ*
Mon 7.31 Filene Center/Wolf Trap Vienna, VA*
Tue 8.1 Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Virginia Beach, VA
Wed 8.2 Chastain Atlanta, GA
Fri 8.4 Ford Amphitheatre Tampa, FL
Sat 8.5 Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre Charlotte, NC
Sun 8.6 Koka Booth Amphitheatre Cary, NC
Tue 8.8 Chevrolet Amphitheatre Pittsburgh, PA
Wed 8.9 DTE Energy Music Amphitheatre Detroit, MI
Thu 8.10 The Plain Dealer Pavilion Cleveland, OH

The Steady Center of an Expanding Bruniverse

2006-04-19T15:43:00.000-04:00

I was dissapointed with the logophilic stylings of our talented Mr. Bruni last week, so I'm relieved to note his return to unusually brazen verbosity today. Today he looks at Michelin fave Jean Georges (NYT, "The Steady Center of an Expanding Universe", 04/19/06), of which he approves with such masculine drive and sensuous delight, that he eventually seems to be describing what he would no doubt call a ménage e trois. So, without further ado, let's make a short story long with this week's review by the Count of Dining Out, Lord Bruni:

First, he notes the grave importance of how many stars Jean Georges will get this year, in his usual cool way:

These questions inform any visit to Jean Georges, and they have relevance beyond this one great restaurant and this one great chef, because his trajectory parallels those of so many culinary titans.

Then he expounds on the gossamer beauty of crab. Try to picture a sickly Lord Bruni in velvet robe, sitting on a balcony behind a balustrade, staring off at the horizon as one jaundiced hand strokes the signet ring on the other:

A crab beignet was a cascade of sensations...Mr. Vongerichten loves this sort of dance, in which one effect often defers so quickly to another that it seems like a memory almost as soon as it's experienced.

Then, slowly, unexpectedly, perversely, Bruni lifts his skirts to give us a sensual description of parsnip soup, which is "laced with chipotle, the heat of which slowly intensified in my mouth but then receded as I caught the tartness of Meyer lemon juice." The Meyer lemon's not the only tart caught in your mouth, you awful tease!

Next, Bruni gives us a peek at the “brilliant choreography behind a dish of Japanese snapper sashimi,” which tantalizes us with the “fleeting, teasing impression” of Thai chili. Shivers! And suddenly, Bruni is describing a zany intergalactic sci-fi tentacle orgy:

…Different dimensions held sway at different moments, the lemon syrup beneath the fish briefly taking control, the caramelized jalapeño in a wash of olive oil around the fish insisting on a turn, the caramelized porcini mushrooms and garlic in the oil ready to fill in any gaps.

Yipes! What an attentive arctic char! It’s almost – yes, I – oh my God – OH my GOD –

He jettisons thick sauces and embraces oils and broths…

…OH! MY! GOD! AHHHHHH!....whew. Woah. And afterglow:

…preferring them for their lightness and for the way they release their scents, like the perfume of lemon grass that rose from a bath of Asian herbs and seeds around a delicately baked lobster tartine.

Ah, my darling, says Bruni, stroking your hair: "Eating is seldom this absorbing…this bracing."

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a nice red and a cheese platter,

~Andrea

DO IT - 04.18.06

2006-04-18T18:48:00.000-04:00

"Event List" sounds like a boring graph, so now this is called DO IT, which sounds like kind of dirty and cool. DO IT.
OK, so some people have asked me how I choose which events go into this, since it seems like a random selection of goings on - concerts, openings, parties, etc. The answer is: I choose what to put on here by asking myself, "Would I go to that?" And if the answer is "Yes", it's in. So sometimes I may leave out a show by your favorite band, because I don't like them; or sometimes, I'll put in a band or a play that I haven't seen, but would see anyways out of curiosity. And sometimes I'll include events I'd attend if I could afford it. Also, I tend to be partial towards events with free drinks, and even more partial to events with free FOOD. Man, do I like free food. Especially hors d'ouevres. Oh my heck. When I link the event name - "Bent Fest opens" or "Diamond Nights" - that means I've linked it to page that has detailed info on the event. When I link a venue name, that usually means I'm linking to a venue site, or a site that lists the venue's address. Linked prices connect to ticket vendors, and all small flyers are linked to larger, more easily viewed jpgs. Finally, asterixes next to a listing mean I may show up. This handy guide will be posted on the toolbar for future reference.

If you'd like your event / flyer / whatever listed here, email it to me and we may put it in. Emailing an event does not guarantee that it will be listed. Cheers! ~Andrea PS The Bkln Underground film fest opening event is invite-only - tickets are available, however, to the opening night screening that follows the party, also at Brooklyn Lyceum.

Today Taco Tuesday @ Luke + Leroy, 7pm, FREE (flyer)

Today Bent Fest opens @ 15 Nassau St, 7pm, FREE
Today Looker @ Delancey, 7:30pm, $6
Today Diamond Nights @ Irving Plaza, 8:30pm, $17.50
*Today Slick Rick @ Canal Room, 10pm, FREE w/RSVP (no +1’s)

*Today RES Mag Parties @ Movida/Luke + Leroy, FREE w/RSVP (flyers)

Today Joanna’s Angels Party @ Happy Valley, 10:30pm, FREE (flyer)

Today Shindig Pre-party @ Black & White, 11pm, FREE
Today We Bite! / Shithammered @ Happy Ending, FREE

Tomorrow The Bicycle Thief @ Donnell Library Ctr, 2:30pm, FREE (flyer)

Tomorrow Bkln Undergrnd Film Fest Opens @ Bkln Lyceum, 6pm, FREE
Tomorrow Langhorne Slim @ Northsix, 8pm, $12
Tomorrow Shindig @ 60 Gansevoort, 9pm, $15 (flyer)

Tomorrow Bang! @ Beauty Bar, FREE (flyer)

Thu 4.20 Knife Skills @ Cake Shop, 8pm, $7
Thu 4.20 The Walkmen @ Skylight, 8pm, FREE w/RSVP
Thu 4.20 Saul Williams + Jean Grae @ Puck Building, 8pm, $20
Thu 4.20 Kaiju Big Battel @ Maxwell’s, 8:30pm, $8
Thu 4.20 Blues Traveler @ Rothko, 10pm, $15 adv
Thu 4.20 Ghostface Killah @ Toad’s Place, 8pm, $20 adv
Thu 4.20 Soulpusher @ Delancey, FREE
Thu 4.20 Guilty Pleasures @ Happy Ending, FREE
Fri 4.21 Joan Didion @ CUNY Graduate Center, 6pm, FREE
Fri 4.21 Mahi Mahi + Go Station @ Trash Bar, 9:30pm, $8
Fri 4.21 Country Club @ Sin-e, 12am, $10
Fri 4.21-Sat 4.22 Earth Day @ Grand Central, 11am, FREE

Tired of Rumors Starting, Part Trois

2006-04-18T17:14:00.000-04:00

Adult Swim will apparently give Saved By The Bell a trial run for the next two weeks. Angry messageboard posters credit corporate meddling for the addition; AS insists it’s just a response to their viewer’s affection for the show. I’m torn on this; on the one hand, it’s Cartoon Network – duh. What’s a sitcom doing on their roster? On the other hand, I just got home at 3am and I’m contemplating a call to Daisey’s 24 Hour Diner…would I rather watch the loveable hijinks of Zak Morris or the high kicks of Dragonball Z? The answer, I think, is obvious.

Meanwhile, Egotastic reports that Fox is courting Joss Whedon to direct Lindsay Lohan in a Sailor Moon live-action feature. I’m not sure how you could make a whole movie out of this series, given the incoherent nature of its premise and plotlines, but if you have to cast an anorexic coke addict in this already cracked out role, I suggest the inimitable Brittany Murphy. She’s got the cartoon crazy-eyes thing down, but with that indispensable dose of chemically induced manic energy. And if you need her to play Lindsay, she’ll do that too. Tsukini-kawatte oshiokiyo! ~Andrea

Where Everybody Knows Your Name.

2006-04-17T16:37:00.000-04:00

Haha. Misshapes.

UPDATE: For some reason the video has been having errors - check outMySpace.com for a version that works.

People are all the same,

~Andrea
[THANKS COLIN]

Tired of Rumors Starting, Part Deux

2006-04-14T14:26:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Cipriani Downtown is the place to be on a Tuesday night. When the place closed its huge, garage-like door after the kitchen closed this past Tuesday 4/11, Ivana Trump, Fergi, and the ubiquitous Lilo (having just escaped some Saturn event, pictured below) were still inside, downing Bellinis and dancing on the banquettes. Please do not ask why I know this.

What has become of me,

~Andrea

On Top Of It All, You're Here With Me!

2006-04-14T02:03:00.000-04:00

There's a fair amount of buzz at this point about who Joss Whedon plans to cast as his lead in Wonder Woman. And that's interesting and all - my bets are on Morena Baccarin, but my heart's on Jessica Alba, and has anyone considered Christina Ricci? Anyone?

Right, except here's the thing: I wasn't even born yet when WW was on the air, so I can't get too psyched about it - but following WW, I predict a slew of other 70's and 80's superheroine revivals. Hopefully they'll let Barbarella lie in its current state of perfection, and will instead make live-actions out of cartoon favorites. I suggest:

Jem & The Holograms

They could take the low road on this one, and cast a tight-smiled "multi-talented" ingenue like Hilary Duff as Jem, with Kirsten Smith on botch-up duties, but I prefer to think they'll take the high road and make Jem a shit-slinging dyke bitch with a drinking problem and an axe to grind (pun intended), co-written by Nancy Pimental and Tina Fey and played by Annie Hardy or Parker Posey or Peta Wilson or someone.

She-Ra, Princess of Power!

Starring Ann Heche or Sarah Michelle Geller or Rebecca Romijn or anyone but fucking Jennifer Garner. This has to be directed with finesse, what with Swift Wind the flying horse and characters with names like Mantenna and Cast-a-spella (really). Oh, also - when I was a kid I used to say, "She-Rah! Princessa DOWWA!" instead of "Princess of Power". How precious is that?

I mean, come to think of it - there are no good girl action stars nowadays. Whatever happened to Lucy Lawless, anyways?

~Andrea

Triumph.

2006-04-13T01:32:00.000-04:00

Three weeks ago, I sent out this invitation:

From: Andrea
Date: Mar 23, 2006 4:59 PM
Subject: COME ON YOU PUSSIES EAT SOME MEAT

MEAT PARTY
total animal sacrifice partying this Saturday 3/22 at xxxxx 8:30ish until foreverkielbasa, ham hock, sausages, filet mignon, cold cuts, shrimp, a huge meat glacier erupting with gravy and fireworks full of steak.
this is going to be extreme, i will be cooking all day saturday and i want everyone eating meat with their hands until they fucking hallucinate and pass out in a pool of blood like in Altered States
bring your own liquid garnish, this party is atkins friendly and make sure to hit the freeweights on friday, workout party + protein party = hotttt bod party
vegetables are for scientologists, xoxo ~anna, andrea & jess

And here's what was in today's New York Times, on the front page of Dining Out:

What that means, in short, is: I win. I win again.
Now that the Gray Lady has reported on meat, we of course know that meat is out of the picture, forever. We can never, ever have meat again.

Wheatgrass party?

~Andrea

Blonde and Bitchin'

2006-04-12T16:26:00.000-04:00

Or: Anna the Roommate Needs To Let It All Out

Sometimes, my roommate Anna gets really, seethingly, horrifyingly mad - and, like a beautiful, flaming blonde phoenix, she must release her anger. Also, sometimes she gets really funny then. This is when I love and fear her the most. Here is the latest withdrawal from her deep, boiling wells of rage:

I just got a new job, so I have to say my level of irrational anger on the subway has decreased, but i am still on edge much of the time. The other day I must have been in a particularly foul mood judging from the amount of time (none) it took me to roll my eyes when I heard the opening piano notes of the new Mary J. Blige song blasting out of some skank's phone. It's not that I don't like that song...I fuckin love Mary J. Blige. anyone who can sing the word "holleration" so nonchalantly is ok by me. I just didn't want to hear the scratchy, shitty cell phone version at piercing levels at 10am. Then, it turned out this skag had a goddamn walkie talkie phone and I was ready to kill myself. Not only would I have to listen to her talk, I'd have to hear the clicking between every phrase and all of the bullshit whoever she was talking to was saying. And let me tell you: in case you thought this call was urgent, it was not. I think this is how the coversation played out:

"hello?"
"sup."
"how you doin?"
"good, how you doin?"
"chillin, i'm on the train."
"word."
"word."
"where you at?"
"home."
"you aint got work today?"
"no."
"i'll call you back, i'm going underground"
"word."

We are not in vietnam. We are not in iraq. There is no need for walkie talkies. Don't be friends with these people.

Ummm.

2006-04-12T14:31:00.000-04:00

This video of celebrities wishing Hugh Hefner a happy 80th birthday is pretty great, but nothing compares to the Paris Hilton serenade. I'm not sure what Trent Pinkisthenewblog is on this morning, but if it makes Paris Hilton sound like Christina Aguilera, it must be something expensive.

Judge for yourself.

You're eighty, but you act like you're twenty, you look like you're forty - you're hot,

~~~Paris~~ Andrea

Oh, and PS: Good job, Ryan Cabrera.

Michael Showal-tour! Haha!

2006-04-12T10:49:00.000-04:00

Attention, Wesleyan and Connecticut area fans of Stella / Wet Hot / The Baxter / funny shit (here's looking at you, notjesslane): on Tuesday May 9, head into New Haven to catch Michael Showalter, Eugene Mirman, and someone named Leo Allen at Toad's Place. My guess is it's a funny. My other guess is that Stella hasn't been renewed at Comedy Central - hence Showalter's ability to tour. BOO! [TICKETS]

Altogether, Toad's Place has some pretty sick shows lined up. If you can't make the Wolf Parade, Method Man (!), or fucking KRS-1 (!!!!!!) shows, then at least, for the love of God, see Ghostface on 4.20. Do yourself a favor.

In case I have readers like, outside NYLA and Wesleyan (haha), the rest of the Showalter / Mirman / Allen dates are below:

Tue 5.9 Toad's Place, New Haven, CT 203-562-5694
Wed 5.10 Higher Ground, Burlington, VT 802-654-7079
Thu 5.11 Lupo's, Providence, RI 401-286-0902
Fri 5.12 Iron Horse, Nothampton, MA 413-584-0610
Sat 5.13 Trocadero, Philadelphia, PA 215-922-6888
Sun 5.14 Black Cat, Washington, DC 202-667-4490
Mon 5.15 Relative Theory Record Store Norfolk, VA 757-962-8052
Tue 5.16 40 Watt Club, Athens, GA 706-549-7871
Wed 5.17 The Earl, Atlanta, GA 404-522-3950
Thu 5.18 Cat's Cradle, Carrboro, NC 919-967-9053
Fri 5.19 Ottobar, Baltimore, MD 410-662-0069

I threw your dog out the window, and that was wrong of me,

~Andrea

Kim Stolz is a model.

2006-04-11T13:53:00.000-04:00

Exclusive: Ms. Kim Stolz has just been signed by Elite Model Management. You always thought she was hot, and now you have official proof. Congrats, lady.

Ear to the ground,

~Andrea

Killa Cancellation

2006-04-11T12:46:00.000-04:00

So, after the social committee worked all year to book Cam'ron for Wesleyan Spring Fling, he has been replaced by white-college-guy-foray-into-hip-hop staple Talib Kweli - because, apparently, the Wesleyan administration is afraid of Middletown's at-risk youth. Officially, Old Wesleyan refused to sign the talent contract because they were unwilling to "take on the associated security risks".

To make everyone feel even worse about this, here's the newest leak from Killa Cam, the totally awesome ode to women of little-to-no color.

Cam'Ron - White Girl

I got seven workers, call her Snow White,
~Andrea
[THANKS BOB]

Events 04.11.06

2006-04-11T12:27:00.000-04:00

Speaking of events, holy road trip The Pitchfork Music Festival.

Today Gael Greene interview @ B&N 82nd, 7pm, FREE
Today “Guardians” w/Katherine Moennig opens @ Culture Project, $45
Today Wolfmother @ Bowery Ballroom, 8pm, $15
Today Art Brut + Rogers Sisters @ Southpaw, 9pm, $15
Today Elevator Sex Muzak @ King Size, FREE

Tomorrow Gogol Bordello @ Warsaw, 7pm, $22
Tomorrow Lions & Tigers + Standing Nudes @ Delancey, 8pm, FREE
Tomorrow Art Brut + Rogers Sisters @ Southpaw, 8pm, $15
Tomorrow Mates of State @ Bowery Ballroom, 8pm, $16
Tomorrow Storytelling w/ Michael Showalter @ Monkeytown, 8pm, $5
Tomorrow The Sounds @ Irving Plaza, 8pm, $18
Tomorrow Bang! / Sounds afterparty @ Beauty Bar, FREE (flyer)

*Tomorrow First Night of Passover! Hoorah! I’m freeeeee!

Thu 4.13 Franz Ferdinand + Death Cab @ ?, 6pm, $40
Thu 4.13 Anti Flag @ Irving Plaza, 7pm, $15.75 adv
Thu 4.13 Man Man @ NYU Kimmel Center, 8pm, $15
Thu 4.13 Better Than Blueberries

Fri 4.14 Tomorrow’s Friend @ Cake Shop, 8pm, $7
Fri 4.14 Bravo Silva @ R&R, 8pm, $tba
Fri 4.14 The Giraffes + Stylofone @ Rothko, 8pm, $10
Fri 4.14 Talib Kweli @ The Puck, 9pm, $15

Just in time for Passover!

2006-04-10T14:46:00.000-04:00

Ever with it, Gwyneth Paltrow has birthed the savior of our people, little Moses Martin, just two days short of the Passover seder. Gwyn apparently plans to perform an ancient Kabbalist birth ceremony which involves wrapping him in swaddling cloth and floating him down the Thames in a reed basket, to be received and raised by Madonna (Apple will help).

...what?! c'mon! Someone had to.

In conclusion, celebrities are nutso.

So let it be written, so let it be done,

~Andrea

No one could make this shit up.

2006-04-10T13:20:00.000-04:00

As Max helpfully pointed out, the lede of the article following the ze-hat article is:

Next: Orthodox Jews Fattening Up Zoo Monkeys

The idea here is, Orthodox Jews invade Central Park at this time of year to dump their leavened bread on the snow monkeys. Then the snow monkeys get fat and lazy, much to the consternation of zookeepers. Despite zoo staff's best efforts, the Jews will not be stopped, and one or two even pulls a Mordechai ("I don’t answer to you; I answer to a higher power"). I can't emphasize enough how hilarious I find this, and the cherry on top is the commentary from one Rabbi Moshe Elefant - no fucking joke. It doesn't get any better.

I’m not sure how many animals are up for matzo,

~Andrea

Oh, For Pete's Sake.

2006-04-10T11:50:00.000-04:00

What happens when Wesleyan students reproduce and move to Brooklyn?

"Tot's Hat Triggers Slope Spat: How one Brooklyn mother’s attempt to return a child’s lost cap roiled a parents listserv with gender politics." - NY Mag, 04/06/06

Solution? I prescribe full-time employment.

It’s innocent little comments like this that I find the most hurtful,

~Atticus

A Dance Called The Be Yo' Self

2006-04-09T17:26:00.000-04:00

Ho hum, so I'm sitting around sorting laundry, and I need a mix to make me feel like sorting laundry and watching Valley Girl is exactly what I would be doing now if I could do anything in the world. And I'm lazy. And it's Sunday.

1. Lovestink (feat. Cee-lo) - Gangsta Boogie Everyone's been preaching the Gnarls Barkley gospel to me lately, and rightfully so - but apparently, this is Cee-lo's second side project of the moment, with someone named Jack Splash, who sounds like Prince and do I like it better? Let's just say, this song could make you feel good if you were being tried by military tribunal tomorrow and your whole family had just died in a fire. Not to like, harsh your mellow. We got a dance called the Be Yo'self! [THANKS GvB]

2. Devin The Dude - Ihi Devin the Dude is one of those rappers that sort of got lost in time - he was in Facemob, he's had guest spots on Dr. Dre and De La Soul tracks, and his sophomore LP Just Tryin' Ta Live, featured Dre, Nas, Xzibit, and others - but somehow no one really knows the guy. Anyway - great song! [THANKS AVI] [SEE HIS MYSPACE PROFILE]

3. Kevin Federline - Snap It's Sunday, what? No one's with you. Tomorrow's Monday. Perfect time to kick back with some K-Fed and laugh at the state of the music industry.

4. The Raconteurs - Level This song is like Yeah you like the White Album bitch do you like it yeah I know you like it fuck YEAH I know you like it yeah you oh fuck yeah - oh fuck - unh. Oh, God - I'm sorry. (i.e. "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" + Jack White + Brendan Benson = Total Climax) Also if you hear this song from next door, you imagine some painfully hot creature is there bobbing around to the beat while doing something else not laundry related, like cutting 200 lines or something.

5. Josie Cotton - Johnny Are You Queer? Did I mention I was watching Valley Girl?

6. Bonnie Hayes & The Wild Combo - Girls Like Me Well, I am. [THANKS KIMMIE]

They got a word for girls like me,

~Andrea

Wesleyan Singers

2006-04-07T16:53:00.000-04:00

Wes alum Lily Chapin and her band The Chapin Sisters are featured in this month’s “Beautiful People” issue of PAPER Magazine. The item is brief, but includes a quote from Lily about her father, legendary folk singer Tom Chapin: “He has taught us how not to sell your soul to be a rock star.”

And of course, their quintissential jam, a kind of gorgeous? cover of Britney Spears' best song ever:

The Chapin Sisters - Toxic.mp3
Moving on up,

~Andrea

Weekend Activity Time

2006-04-07T15:39:00.000-04:00

GenArt film fest wraps up this weekend, featuring seven premiers and seven afterparties at New York au courrant hotspots like Happy Valley, B.E.D., and Home. The night screenings are $25, which includes an open bar at the afterparty, but to cut costs go to the $5 “Encore Screenings” Friday through Sunday. Especially if it’s all about the film for you, and not so much about downing jager shots with Molly Shannon or Michael Rapaport.

Also, FYI: The Raconteurs are Jack White and Brendan Benson. I'm tempted, but $20? A Clear Channel venue? Eh...no thanks. OH and also also - I don't know if it's every been mentioned, but if you want to see big versions of these flyers, just click on 'em. ~Andrea

Today Talib Kweli @ Pratt Hall, 6pm, FREE w/college ID / $4 w/out
Today Brooklyn Poster Show @ SPR (210 Kent Av), 2-8pm, FREE thru Sun
Today Damage Project @ DCKT Contemporary, 6pm, FREE (flyer)
Today The Raconteurs @ Irving Plaza, 7pm, $20
Today Opening (with spiked punch!) @ Zakka, 7-10pm, FREE
Today Arab Strap @ Southpaw, 8pm, $15
Today The Hold Steady @ Warsaw, 8pm, $16.50
Today Arab Strap @ Southpaw, 8pm, $15
Today RJD2 + Beans DJ @ Guggenheim, 9pm, $20
Today Gypsy Music @ Maia Meyhane, 10pm, FREE
Today John Cameron Mitchell spins @ Luke + Leroy, 10pm, FREE

Today R Star @ Pianos, 10:30pm, $8
Today Crashin In @ Supreme Trading, FREE

*Sat 4.8 Dunk Xchange @ Stereo, 2-7pm, $10 (flyer)

Sat 4.8 Effi Briest @ Monkeytown, 7:30pm, $7
Sat 4.8 Looker @ Pianos, 7:30pm, $8
Sat 4.8 Arab Strap @ Knitting Factory, 7:30pm, $15
Sat 4.8 Oneida + Parts & Labor + more @ Northsix, 8pm, $8
Sat 4.8 Come in Peace Leave In Pieces @ 27 Arion Place, Bkln, 10pm, $6
Sat 4.8 FreeNYC 2-Year Anniversary @ Galapagos, 10:30pm, FREE w/RSVP
Sat 4.8 Fun’raiser @ 99 Montrose Ave, $5 all you can drink PBR / FREE BYOB

Sun 4.9 Food tasting @ Foragers (56 Adams St, Dumbo), 2-6pm, FREE
Sun 4.9 Making It! Panel @ Clearview West, 5pm, FREE
Sun 4.9 City Reliquary 2nd Annual Collectors’ Night @ Union Pool, 5pm, $10
Sun 4.9 The Sword + Tarantula AD @ CBGB, 7pm, $10 adv
Sun 4.9 Gang Gang Dance @ Anthology Film Archive, 7pm, $20
Sun 4.9 Save Our Films Benefit @ Anthology Films Archive, 8pm, $20 (flyer)
Sun 4.9 Morrissey Night @ Sway, FREE

Dates With Beck

2006-04-06T10:29:00.000-04:00

Everyone's favorite scientologist has booked some more US dates - but still no NYC show. C'mon - we have one of the best celebrity centers in the country! And so conveniently located near the TRL studios. ~Andrea

Wed 5.24 - Davis, CA - UC Davis, Freeborn Hall
All Ages, 6:30pm Doors
Pre-sale: Thu 4.6 at 10am
password: VENOMCONFECTION
On-sale: Fri 4.7 at 10am
tickets: bgp.com, tickets.com, Freeborn Hall Box Office, and Charge By Phone at 800.225.2277

Thu 5.25 - San Francisco, CA - Fillmore
All Ages, 7:00pm Doors
Pre-sale: Thu 4.6 at 10am
password: VENOMCONFECTION
On-sale: Sun 4.9 at 10am
tickets: bgp.com, ticketmaster.com, The Fillmore Box Office, and all Ticketmaster locations.

Tue 5.30 - Santa Cruz, CA - Civic
All Ages, TBA Doors
Pre-sale: Thu 4.6 at 10am
password: VENOMCONFECTION
On-sale: Sat 4.8 at 10am
tickets: bgp.com, ticketmaster.com, Santa Cruz Civic Auditorium, and Charge by Phone at 408.998.TIXS and 415.421.TIXS

Mon 6.19 - Austin, TX - The Backyard
All Ages, TBA Doors
Pre-sale: Thu 4.6 at 10am - 4.7 at 10pm
password: VENOMCONFECTION
On-sale: Sat 4.8 at 10am
tickets: GetTix.Net, Waterloo Records, Pinky's Wireless, and Charge By Phone at 866.I.GET.TIX

Other US Dates Still On-Sale:

Sat 5.27 - Bend, OR - Les Schwab Amphitheater
All Ages, 5pm doors
Tickets: Ticketmaster, Ticketmaster outlets, or Charge By Phone at 503.224.4400

Sun 5.28 - George, WA - Sasquatch! Festival
All Ages, 10am doors
Tickets:

Half-Assed Event List I Know And I'm Sorry

2006-04-05T19:39:00.000-04:00

*NOTE: I didn't finish this because I didn't have time because I have a JOB for fuck's sake but at least there are some ideas on there and I'll finish it later with flyers and all that fun. ~Andrea

GenArt’s film fest is this week, featuring seven premiers and seven afterparties at New York au courrant hotspots like Happy Valley, B.E.D., and Home. The night screenings are $25, which includes an open bar at the afterparty, but to cut costs go to the $5 “Encore Screenings” Friday through Sunday. Especially if it’s all about the film for you, and not so much about downing jager shots with Molly Shannon or Michael Rapaport.

Today GenArt FilmFest @ Ziegfeld Theater, 7:30pm, $25
Today Ad Lib @ Dark Room, FREE

Tomorrow Wristcutters @ Clearview Chelsea West
Tomorrow C.O.R.E. @ Mixx Lounge, 6-9pm, FREE (flyer)
Tomorrow Better Than Blueberries @ Askew, 9pm, FREE (flyer)
Tomorrow Le One Night Stand 1 Yr Anniv @ Hiro Ballroom

Fri 4.7 Talib Kweli @ Pratt Hall, 6pm, FREE w/college ID / $4 w/out
Fri 4.7 Arab Strap @ Southpaw, 8pm, $15
Fri 4.7 John Cameron Mitchell spins @ Luke + Leroy, 10pm, FREE
Fri 4.7 Beat Club w/ Dave 1 of Chromeo @ Capone's, FREE
Sat 4.8 Dunk Xchange @ Stereo, 2-7pm, $10 (flyer)
Sat 4.8 FreeNYC 2-Year Anniversary @ Galapagos, 10:30pm, FREE w/RSVP
Sat 4.8 Tiswas 2.0 @ The Annex
Sun 4.9 Food tasting @ Foragers (56 Adams St, Dumbo), 2-6pm, FREE
Sun 4.9 Making It! Panel @ Clearview West, 5pm, FREE

The Frank Never Falls Too Far From The Bruni

2006-04-05T19:19:00.000-04:00

And now, our Wednesday afternoon moment of Zen from this week's NYT review of new restaurant Country, by the Count of Dining Out, Lord Bruni:

He's like a father who disregards such pesky details as gender to christen his second son Cleopatra because the first is Antony.

And one more, because I love you:

He metes out a few well-chosen surprises, like garnishing beautifully roasted lamb with cubes of lamb brain, kidney and heart on a skewer-like sprig of rosemary.

Bon appetit!

~Andrea

And speaking of lesbos...

2006-04-05T18:34:00.000-04:00

Kim Stolz, recently returned from Palm Springs lesbo extravaganza Dinah Shore, is also slated to emcee the 25th annual Northampton Mass Pride March.

Lesbian is the new Wednesday,

~Andrea

Daniela Sea: Original Thinker

2006-04-05T11:44:00.000-04:00

Ahem! Attention, please, liberal arts students. Daniela Sea, resident butch on Showtime series The L Word, has something to teach you. Listen up:

Daniela Sea, the new butch on Showtime's lesbian drama The L Word, has come up with a pronoun to refer to people like her and her character, who blur genders. It's "ze," she says. "It's the new pronoun. It doesn't mean he or she. It's cool."

Hear that, world? It's cool. I hope you're taking notes. Especially you, Kim Stolz.
For the full, ground-breaking, revolutionary story, see the full article in Paper.

Ze's all that,

~Andrea

news from the other coast

2006-04-05T02:12:00.000-04:00

Breaking news from the Vagenius mailing list. You heard it here first, blogosphere:

VAGENIUS HAS SOME VERY IMPORTANT NEWS TO TELL YOU, so please don't be sad. Due to forces much higher and greater than ourselves (such things as trademarks, lawyers, money and copywriting), Vagenius, is finally being forced to implement a name change. We know that while some of you have been expecting this, to others this may come as a huge shock, and still others probably couldn't give a shit and wish they weren't on our mailing list, but we ask that you please support our decision as it will be a huge transition for us. Also, since we are about to become massive, time is of the essence so we better get on with it. Over the next few weeks we will be making this change: soon we will have a new website, new myspace page, and hopefully new google hits. we will also be sending alot more annoying emails and posting bulletins. thank you for listening and loving/liking us. Oh yes! and the new name is....da dada da da da.........HELLO STRANGER ......................wooooooohoooooo...........yayayyayayay................. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!let parataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

website (see if you can buy a soon-to-be collectors' item Vagenius T-shirt or CD)
myspace

An open letter to Gawker:

2006-04-04T13:47:00.000-04:00

Dear ,

OK, so this is really WASPy of me but I don't care because it's too genius. Gawker should have a Gawker Stalker Easter Egg Hunt! Yeah, like - set up big plastic Gawker easter eggs all over the city, and people can text in when they spot one, like in Gawker Stalker! Maybe the spots on the final google map can even form a cryptic shape when connected, like on Lost. The first person to text in any given egg can get a fucking prize or something!

I want a prize just for coming up with this brilliant genius idea! Or a job.

Challenging and surprising myself and those around me daily,

~Andrea
www.shitparade.com

Bruni!

2006-04-04T11:22:00.000-04:00

Frank Bruni gives me a funny feeling in my tummy. Hunger, for the most part, but also something else: humor. Yes, when I read FB's delightful little column, I can't help but chuckle - sometimes at his wit, and many other times at his adorable, overblown use of language. He looks like a guy who works in IT, but I prefer to think of him as an erstwhile Lord Byron, poetic craftsman and hedonist with a passion for luxury and a taste for heartbreak, by day stuffing his gullet with the finest game, by night scribbling away by oil lamp in his tattered finery and making love to keep trim. I've decided to present you with a Bruniism of the Week, every week, starting tomorrow. And to give you a taste of the joys to come, I present the all-time highlight of Bruni’s career so far: his review of Del Posto (NYT, 03/01/06). He opens alliteratively:

"Much has been said about the marble, mahogany and millions of dollars..."

But the real gems are the extended metaphors:

“They have crumpled page after page of the script that made their previous ventures so beloved and written a new libretto, emphasizing refined notes over rustic ones…”

Poetry! So, what mouth-watering melodies play on the strings of our tongues at Del Posto? To begin with, lettuce. “The arugula here makes arugula at many other restaurants seem like iceberg in drag”. Splendid, splendid. Next, the “inventive and delicate” cauliflower sformato ("a puck of ethereal custard”), and the “luxurious and earthy” ravioli “paired with pigeon and myrtle”. I love this image. Bruni entertains in a reclining position on a brocade divan, plucking daintily from a plate of pigeon and myrtle, fresh-picked that day on the moors. He spears one such berry on the prong of his fork and examines it, addressing all present: “Ethereal, are they not? A perfect sphere, like a tiny universe…” Bruni is so melancholy in the fall.

Next, Bruni describes spaghetti with crab and peppers as “fiery and populist”. While I know what he means, I tend to prefer a social realist lunch, accompanied by a romanesque beverage. Though I can’t help but be tempted by the “precious, rococo tangents” he describes next. What sort of rococo tangents, you ask, you naughty child? I’ll tell you! But you must promise not to tattle. Alright, here:

"Mr. Batali's love of offal finds expression in pici, a sort of fat Tuscan spaghetti, with coxcombs, chicken livers, duck testicles and, for conventional decadence, black truffles. Less predictably, agnolotti of veal, pancetta, chicken, mortadella and Parmesan are served slightly crunchy and unsauced, to be plucked and eaten with your fingers."

Less predictably? Less predictable than your average old cockscomb-chicken-liver-duck-balls offal stew?! What could be less predictable than DUCK BALL STEW? The answer is: Pasta served as finger food. That's right! Haha! You eat it with your hands?! Bruni, you enchanting scoundrel! Duck ball fricassee is so baroque.

The sliver of ethereal icing on the cake are Bruni's thoughts on valet parking:

“Valet parking may seem molto suburban, but I suppose it’s a welcome convenience
for diners with cars.”

You can’t see me, but I’m nodding sagely.
Tomorrow, I’ll bring you the Bruniism of the Week. And if once a week isn’t enough, you can read his blog.

Molto suburban,

~Andrea

Sacred Heart Made Me Gay

2006-04-03T10:29:00.000-04:00

"PinkIsTheNewBlog" Trent berated Sacred Heart alumna Nicky Hilton for wearing the fugliest outfit ever to the Young Hollywood Awards Countdown last Thursday. Shame, Trent! I say we congratulate her for attempting to embrace the Fashion Dyke look popularized by the New York Lesbian Model / Stylist set. Though not a member myself, I'm sure I speak for the whole community when I thank her for her solidarity.

New York Lesbian

New York Lesbi-esque
Living loving laughing,
~Andrea

Silly Rabbit

2006-03-31T10:53:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not a big sneakerhead, but I like style and design and like, clothes and shit. Recently, some of my male friends have become really into sneakers, and their excitement got me wondering - where are the awesome sneakers for women? Laces NYC opened this year, carrying women’s size sneakers only, and there are already sites dedicated to female kicks collectors - most notably Ladykickz and FemaleSneakerFiend – but I thought I'd contribute my two cents anyway.

In terms of GR (general release) sneakers, I love my roommate's Lacoste Thrills – but I don’t think I’m blonde enough to pull off blue and corn yellow. I’d go for the olives [BUY].

Small Aussie brand Royal Elastic has been on the rise since Gwen Stefani chose them over all major competitors to put out her limited L.A.M.B. sneaks. I’m not into L.A.M.B., but I dig Royal Elastic’s Field Tex Italias [BUY]. Likewise, I’m not a Louis Vuitton fan, but the LV Monogram Denim Canvas Sneaker (right) is purty [BUY].

Women’s sneaker culture is way bigger in the UK than here, and they even have a brand called Pointer which is designed by a woman and isn’t available stateside. Brands like JB and Nike tend to make W-size counterparts to men’s cuts, and a lot of their W-size colorways are more popular with men than the men’s ones. My roommate’s Nike Zoom Blazers in Khaki / Igloo [BUY] are a perfect example; I also like them in Green Curry / Baroque Brown [BUY].

JB’s Women’s Getlo sneaks in Green / Gold Weave are awesome, and only available in W-sizes [BUY]. There are also a ton of sweet Nike colorways that are W-size only, like the just-OK Dunks “High Hair” editions [BUY], the slick anthracite Vandal Hi Inside Out sneaks [BUY] and the super-cool Dunks Olive Tweeds [BUY].

It’s hard to find good vintage sneaks in women’s sizes, because almost all limited edition sneakers from the 80’s and 90’s were mens’ only. To remedy this, shop around for low men’s or kids’ sizes - the Nike Dunk "Send Help" hightop (left) is available at KickzStore in low sizes...

...as is the AF1 Stash Tokyo [BUY].

As far as vintage hightops go, I’m not that crazy about the 80’s Reebok aerobic look; I prefer old school tennis or sailing sneaks, like these All-leather Keds I found on ebay.

In the novelty department, here are the new "Code M" mp3 sneaks from Dada Footwear...

...which seem not only uncomfortable, but pointless too - awesome! Now all they need is spinners. But I’m super excited about the soon-to-be-released Nike Women’s Vandal Lows – with hearts!

*UPDATE: Adidas Gruber Lo sneaks, with crazy socks attached, are W-only and freakin AWESOME [BUY]. The end.

Kix are for chix, ~Andrea
[Thanks FEMALESNEAKERFIEND]

Prepare to Feel Old

2006-03-28T14:16:00.000-05:00

Keira Knightley Oscar-nominated actress, style icon, and sex symbol, just turned 21. Yep; she was born on March 26, 1985.

Pictured here at her 1930's-themed birthday party. Shiny! [photo by Jonas Almasi]
In other news, Haley Joel Osment turns 18 on April 10, and now he looks like this:

Free me from my past!
Out to pasture,

~Andrea
[THANKS EGOTASTIC AND DLISTED]

GAWKER Does It's Homework, Forgets It At Home

2006-03-28T13:16:00.000-05:00

Hahahahahaha. OK, first look at the correction in this:

"Spin" Keeps Shedding Staff [GAWKER, 3/27/06]

An understandable mistake and touching apology, until you look at the contributors to this:

Looking at the Look Book [GAWKER, 5/15/05]

How far they have fallen since May of last year. Reporting is one thing, but like - they have the girl's email address. Nothing like getting it wrong when you've already gotten it right; not quite irony, but Alanis would say it is, and Alanis is never wrong. That said, Gawker is Gawker, and since I want to write Looking at the Lookbook again next month, let me just say - Gawker is undeniably the best in its field, whatever that field is, the loveable little scamp. Hear that, Alexis? The very best!

I can't stay mad at you,

~Andrea

Where you from kid? Park Slope!!

2006-03-28T12:18:00.000-05:00

Last night I walked through Park Slope, and came upon a Mysterious Police Action. 7th Avenue was cordonned off between 15th and 16th streets, and there were around five squad cars and a SWAT truck parked next to Brawta Outpost. I can't find any reports on the action in the Post's NYPD blotter, so here are my speculations:

Illegal sports gambling ring bust?
Quaratined case of bacterial meningitis?

**UPDATE!!!**
Conclusion: SHOOTOUT! According to WABC:

...an off-duty lieutenant and a sergeant, pulled up on an attempted robbery at 16th Street and Seventh Avenue just after midnight. They attempted to stop the robbery, and the suspects opened fire. The two officers returned fire, and the suspects fled on foot. The officers called for backup and were able to catch up with the suspects several blocks away at Prospect Park West and 15th Street. [WATCH EYEWITNESS NEWS VIDEO]

Gangster! Apparently the initial robbery vicitim and lietuenant went unharmed, while the sergeant went to Methodist Hosptial for chest pains. Maybe PSlope is ghetting back to its roots. One can only hope! To cap off this post, I leave you with a hip hop anthem about my hood's crack-slinging past and lesbo gentrification, by Park Slope native Pumpkinhead:

Pumpkinhead - Park Slope [mp3]

Fools that don't rep this shit? They straight counterfeit,

~Andrea
[THANKS AVI]

David Kicks Goliath's Ass (Again)

2006-03-27T16:55:00.000-05:00

In case you missed it, or didn't hear the distant white-collar shouts of UConn's Darien Aryan fanbase, controversial 11th-seeders George Mason defeated the top-seeded UConn Huskies on Sunday, winning a place in the NCAA tournament's Final Four. Everyone's calling it a Cinderella story, but I prefer to get Biblical. UConn's players appeared to tower over the GMU men, but I thought it might have been the camera angle, those Leprechauny GMU uniforms, or a psychologically-driven hallucination. Turns out it was no illusion; GMU is way shorter than UConn, their tallest starter measuring a dwarfish 6'7", as opposed to UConn's 6'9", 6'10", and 6'11" starters. Nonetheless, GMU managed to outrebound UConn 37-34. Cinderlla story, maybe; but I think it can more accurately be called a nicely updated David & Goliath.

Even though I don't follow college basketball, I'm psyched about the upset. If you've ever found yourself in a Connecticut dive bar during March Madness, you know why. And, continuing the Shitparade tradition of outing college sports figures, I'd like to point out that Folarin Campbell nailed a fadeaway jumper over Rudy Gay.

As for me, there are three simple reasons why I love GMU:
1) It's a commuter school.
2) None of its (short, short, short) players had any bids from large universities to play on their teams (and they're so goddamned tiny, it's adorable - little shorties!)
2) The guy on the right:

He was suspended earlier in the season for punching a HOFSTRA player in the balls. And, his name is Tony Skinn.

To the green and gold we will ever be true, here and wherever we roam
And we sing of a place where the young and the old give the Patriots’ dreams a home,

~Andrea

Other Music

2006-03-24T16:18:00.000-05:00

Aziz Ansari is hilarious, but not as hilarious as Brian Huskey saying "indie-tastic". Speaking of the Naked Babies, Rob Corddry (yes, miserable laypeople, from the Daily Show) was on hand for an NB reunion at the UCB Theatre last night, and his new feature film Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story debuts at the Two Boots Pioneer Theater April 13th. If you've ever been to Other Music, you will appreciate this. As the staff of Other Music no doubt will as well; nothing like meta ironic hipster self loathing. And if you don't appreciate it, you are a humorless, fat oppressor.
Did I ever tell you about that time I went trick-or-treating with Carlos D of Interpol? ~Andrea [THANKS COLIN]

Rock Party.

2006-03-24T01:20:00.000-05:00

Rumor has it that the Arctic Monkeys Webtser Hall afterparty is at Tiswas 2.0 at the Annex on Saturday night. I will be feasting on red meat.