Monday, January 23, 2006

On the ball, busters...

The "Shit List" is a running series of lists of shit that win our affection, with comprable shit that does not. The First Shit List, in celebration of Christ's birth, is a list of shit we want in our Christmas (Easter, Martin Luther King) sock, interspersed with shit we seriously do not fucking want. So, since most of my weak-ass friends didn't get me anything for Xmas, in a fit of wishful thinking I present the presents:

The Twelve Days Of

On the fifth day of Shit List my true love gave to me...

Christ-like Foodstuffs:
Remember how Christ took water and turned it to wine, and then took a thimble full of caramel and made it into two pounds of Twix, and so on? Here’s a list of food Christ would make today, if he had a bunch of water and 12 disciples to feed: Mille Crepe Cake from Lady M (pictured left)…Enstrom’s Dark Chocolate Almond Toffee...mail-order HORS D'OEUVRES!!...a fucking chocolate fountain...Serendipity’s Frozen Hot Chocolate...Jacques Torres dark chocolate truffles...Katz’s Kugel...Yauco Selecto Puerto Rican coffee...a dozen H&H Bagels...or truffled foie gras (before it's totally outlawed, like abelone). If you want to be truly Christlike, you can make one gift last a whole year with an “Of-The-Month” club (muffins, steak, BBQ sauce, tea, or otherwise). But if someone actually gets me the mail-order hors d'oeuvres - which includes mini-empanadas, among other things - I’ll even say Grace.

Instead of...

Christ-like Anything Else:
Jesus is played out. Know this. Embrace it. No more Jesus, for at least a while. No Jesus dolls, no Jesus T-shirts, no Jesus ashtrays, no Jesus nightlights, no “Jesus Is My Homeboy”. Jesus stopped being ironic when Mel Gibson literally flogged him to death in a pool of humorless blood, and skidded straight into boring territory. You can maybe still get a chuckle by tastelessly sporting actual religious objects, like rosary beads or a nun’s habit or blackface and a crown of thorns. But again with the dildo theme, even the Baby Jesus Buttplug and the Jackhammer Jesus Dildo have lost their hilarity and novel appeal and slid gently and slowly into shrugsville. Moses is still kinda cute, though. Look at his little beard!

Oh…but on the topic of Mad Mel, what’s with his Dead Language Cinema Series? First an Aramaic blood-opic on young Jeezy, and now ancient Maya? And what in the name of our forgiving Lord Jesus Christ was on his mind when he put a secret frame in the trailer, of himself leaning on a somber-expressioned Ancient Mayan with a maniacal grin and an Osama beard? (if you're a doubter, watch the trailer and pause during the quick-cut sequence with the panther).

Your prayers did nothing,


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