Monday, March 19, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
For one thing:
Hi, what? Britney Spears gets to be a bulimic Jewish skinhead single mother of two? Since when do rich people get to have problems? They don't, Britney Spears. You're appropriating, and it's not fair. You also don't get to be a skinhead and a Jewish lady at the same time. Even Jewish men aren't allowed to shave their forelocks, and you've gone right past forelocks into American History X territory. Not to mention the tattoos, which is a straight up violation of Jewish - sorry, Kabbalistic - law. So hands off the star, Spears; we have enough trouble as it is. You'd do better with a chastity belt and a traceable collar with a direct line to the Promises staff. Speaking of which...
OK, Hollywood. You've always loved giving yourself awards, and now that you're bored with awards, you're giving yourself treatments...for every problem that exists. Nasty habit of throwing phones at the help? Let rehab coddle your ego even more. Caught snorting half of Colombia? Rehab's the ticket. Lacking a work ethic? Head on down to rehab. How about this: Naomi Campbell doesn't have an anger management problem, she has a bitch with an enormous sense of entitlement problem. She needs to age badly and find a husband who will make her feel just a little bit worthless every now and again. Kate Moss needs a new boyfriend and some time with the kids, and Lindsay Lohan needs, oh I don't know - a parent. Britney Spears, Nicole Richie, and now Marc Jacobs - does every problem need a 28 day solution?
More to follow in the next post...you better prepare yourself, pop culture; I'm giving you a bigger once over than VH1.
Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend,
Sunday, February 25, 2007
8:13pm - Penelope Cruz looks beautiful.
8:14pm - Andre Leon Talley could not be more gay, and also, I never noticed that he was twice the width and height of everyone else in the world. Jada Pinkett Smith looks amazing in that gold Carolina Herrera. Wow. And how supportive to dress like Oscar for your Oscar nom husband. Wow, she's hot. Did you know she was at Ozzfest with her heavy metal band? She's hot. Armani Prive on Cate Blanchett - nice.
8:15pm - Helen Mirren has some hot decoletage. Am I the only one who thinks she's fly? Cameron Diaz, you are orange. Not OK. Also, your dress looks like a collar from a men's dress shirt that mutated into an entire dress. Or, a paper airplane.
8:37pm - Ellen Degeneres is dressed as a snazzy doorman, or Hugh Hefner, or Hugh Hefner's doorman. Penelope Cruz is definitely not Mexican, despite what Ellen Degeneres might tell you. Do I actually find Ellen endearing? Does that make me...oh my God, did Nicholson shave his head?
8:55pm - The WIll Ferrel, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly song the best thing I have ever seen.
9:01pm - Jaden Smith is a bad motha. He effs up a line, and while that little cream puff from Little Miss Sunshine giggles and loses her composure, he mumbles, "oops - that's the wrong line" - and keeps going.
9:04pm West Bank Story? Haven’t heard of this. How have I not heard of this? Please let it win. It won! Oooh, Ari Sandel, I will find you on Jdate.
9:05pm Jack Nicholson? Looks terrifying. He looks like a very unfortunate casualty of tobacco addiction, the one in those public service ads. Whose kids and wife are very sad, because he passed in 2005. It's really depressing and touching, but a bit much when you're trying to watch Ugly Betty. And basically, you shouldn't want to look like him, because the whole ad is how he made poor decisions which cost him his body and his family's happiness, and ultimately his life - and that's really serious and not very chic, so cut it out, OK, Jack Nicholson? Unless we're about to find out that you are sick in some way, in which case, I am a jerk.
9:13pm A Capella sound effects quire? Yes please.
9:15pm Steve Carrell still looks pissed off about Ellen's “diversity” comment.
9:17pm The sound editing winners a) are identical, b) both look like the Monopoly guy, c) both look terrified.
9:21pm Rachel Weisz is trying to rock the same weird, sea-anemone fake-bob as Cameron Diaz. Ladies,
9:23pm Alan Arkin? I didn’t see that movie, but poor Eddie Murphy. Dreamgirls was the only dramatic role he’ll ever have. Oh my God, wait – is Alan Arkin actually reading a prewritten speech in which he uses phrases like “spirit of unity”?
9:25pm Ellen is sort of cute. I have to say. Joke’s about giving Martin Scorsese a script? Cute. Bothering Marky Mark right after he loses? Not so cute.
8:55pm - The WIll Ferrel, Jack Black, and John C. Reilly song the best thing I have ever seen.
9:01pm - Will Smith's kid is a bad motha. He effs up a line, mumbles, "oops - that's the wrong line" - and keeps going.
10pm - Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway just told Meryl Streep they love her. God, Emily Blunt's dress is stunning. This costume panorama thing is weird. If you're not watching, they have live model posing in the costumes of the nominated movies, and gently swaying back in forth, like vaguely-in-character mannekins. It looks OK on TV, but imagine being there. Awkward! Oooh, nice YSL smoking jacket on the dykey Marie Antoinette costume designer.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Barbara is eventually flattened out by the revelation of her very real delusional psychosis and Victorian Sapphic fixation, but the movie is saved by Sheba's beauty. Sheba's beauty is discussed frequently, and is hard to miss - the camera often catches her soft-lit movements in slow motion, as she repeatedly twirls her hair around a finger, and during a scene in which Sheba dances with her eyes closed. She is not a wizened femme fatale a la Lauren Bacall - rather, her beauty is almost a character flaw - Sheba's mother is overheard saying that her daughter has used her beauty to get by, but that she lacks character. Upon seeing her for the first time, Barbara also notes her beauty, and continues to mention it throughout the film with an increasing level of admiration - noting her grace, how she stands out from her family. The 15-year-old student, of course, tells her she's "fit" - not just OK, but "really fit" - during his seduction. He also tells her what she assumes she wants to hear - that he comes from a broken and abusive home. When he is caught in his lie, he insists she had wanted to hear them, and bitterly says the affair was simply "supposed to be fun". Sheba is caught and confused by her beauty, and the film seems to be about the dangers of beauty, its susceptibility to the projected impressions of those that observe and react to it. Sheba, of course, is guilty of cartooning the object of her desire too, overlooking his obvious flaw (he's 15, lady) to see what she hopes is there.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
UPDATE: Shout outs to John "the" Golbe (VICE editorial dept / Wesleyan '06) fer gittin 'er dun.
You sure have growed up.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
And speaking of dropping the ball!! Ah, haha. I resolve to put more effort into the much loved parade of shit that is my mind, and to also spruce up the blog in ways you have yet to imagine.
Now remember, kids: fair labor practices in 007, and New Years is for amateurs; real alcoholics choose Boxing Day. For a list of horrid meatpacking parties with bottle service, click here.
NYE John Zorn @ Tonic, 8pm, $30
NYE GreendoorNYC @ Don Hills, 9pm, $15 w/flyer (champagne toast) (flyer)
NYE Radio 4 @ Mercury Lounge, 11:15pm, $25
*NYE Psychic Eve @ Monkeytown, 11:30pm, $20 (champagne toast)
*NYE The Shimmer Ball @ Rubulad Home Base, 10pm, $15 w/costume
NYE Misshapes @ tba, invitation only
NYE The Rub @ Southpaw, FREE
NYE Ad Lib @ 151, FREE
NYE Crashin’ In @ Williamsburg White Room, $10 w/flyer (bar 6-8pm)
*NYE Trash! Nymphomaniac @ Rififi, FREE (bar 9-10pm, 12am) (flyer)
*NYE MAKORnival @ Makor Café, $65 (bar 9-11pm)
*NYE Chocolate Fountain!! @ Park East Grill, $25 (bar+ 9pm-12:30am)
NYE Motherfucker @ Rebel, $20 before 12am w/RSVP (flyer)
*NYE Jimmy Im Party @ Eastern Bloc, FREE (bar 10-11pm)(flyer)
NYE Charity Benefit @ Dove Parlour, $25 (bar 11-midnight)
NYE Chulo’s Eve Bash @ Taco Chulo, FREE (bar 12-1:30am)
*NYE Finger On The Pulse @ Royal Oak, FREE (champagne toast)
*NYE Sharegroove @ Capone’s, FREE (champagne toast + pizza!)
NYE Erotic New Years @ Sutra, $95 (bar 8pm-2am) (flyer)
NYE GBH @ Movida, $99 w/tickets (bar 9pm-2am)
NYE Damien Fahey party @ Room Service, $150 (bar 9-2am)
NYE Cheeky Bastard @ Maritime Hotel Caffe Bar, $20 (champagne toast)
NYE New Years Dream @ 96 Greenwich Ave, $27 (mention “the danger” - champagne)
NYE Party @ B-Bar, $35 (champagne toast)
NYE Moe Choi @ China 1, $40 (champagne toast) (flyer)
NYE Bang It Out @ Savalas, $60 all you can drink (flyer)
NYE B&W Masquerade Ball @ SoHo Grand, $149 w/RSVP (bar all night)
NYE Sweet New Year @ Sugar Factory, $40 w/RSVP (bar all night)
NYE Loft party @ 60 Gansevoort St, $40 (bar all night, no bathroom)*
NYE Loft party @ Asterisk, $25 w/RSVP (beer bar all night)
Monday, December 04, 2006
I should also note that I was enticed to watch this show because the Girls Next Door girls are handing out the trophies, and I love - LOVE - Girls Next Door. Kendra looked so jazzed to give an award to Mary J. Blige.
8:30 pm - Fergie just finished. Did she say "1996"? And does she have to pee again? That, or a labotomy, may explain why she literally didn't move during her performance at all, besides a couple of seemingly tremulous steps forward.
8:34 pm - I like the Billboards because it's the one venue where it's not tacky to talk about your sales and your upcoming album drop.
8:35 pm - Nickelback win something. That was their song? Wow, I'm out of the loop. And wow, the perimeters of the definition of "rock" have expanded.
8:42 pm - COLLABO TIME! Pharell, Young Jeezy, and Ludacris are having some kind of sequential face off. I obviously don't get the reference with the giant 80's radio man on the monitor introducing each rapper with a color - Young Jeezy had black, and Luda has red so far - oops, here's Jeezy again. Luda is a lot more interesting to watch for some reason. Fittingly, Pharell's color is green - oops, except cris is still on stage. Awww, but Pharell is so cute when he tries to dance! He does something between the Harlem Shake, the Chicken Noodle Soup dance, and that dance little kids do at Bar Mitzvahs where it's not entirely on beat and they're just kind of bouncing from the knees.
8:50 pm - Is there something hot about Jesse Metcalf and Kathy Griffin flirting across the decades? No, of course not. I need to eat dinner.
8:51 pm - Didn't Walk The Line come out like, two years ago?
8:58 pm - Who is this person with Danity Kane? And who is this Danity Kane person anyway? He looks like a tool. Just kididng. I watched Making The Band, relax.
9:00 pm - Loving T.I.'s sign off for his album drop - "Coming soon - be about it." Denise Richards' voice just cracked.
9:01 pm - ATTENTION: The Big Question of the Night! Since when is every female pop star trying to sound like Peaches?
Also, why is Gwen Stefani bastardizing the Sound of Music? Woah, there's a big fat man hitting a giant drum! You know, I'm kind of liking Gwen Stefani's new chanting thing. I also like thinking about how she's a mom. I also love her jumpsuit. Cute jumpsuit!
9:01 pm How embarassing for Def Leppard to give an award to Three Days Grace.
9:25 pm So, Stevie Wonder is standing there in this spectacular orange suit - which really deserves capitals, so Orange Suit - and talking about Tony Bennett being his dear friend. Someone apparently stole all of Stevie Wonder's luggage. Who the flying hell would steal Stevie Wonder's luggage? Aww, Bridget (Girls Next Door) is guiding Stevie! She must be so excited.
9:45 pm - Oh, Mary! Mary J. Blige just brought down the house - granted that the competition wasn't exactly stiff - or rather, it was completely stiff, with Fergie standing completely still, and Gwen chanting her way through her set.
9:47pm - Carrie Underwood, blah blah blah. Oh, it's Janice Dickinson! I love Janice Dickinson!
9:53 pm - Artist of the Year...AT LONG LAST! Rascal Flats? Did they seriously cover that song? I'm so glad I have no idea what's going on in popular culture these days. Just kidding. I totally know all these songs. The Killers sound really unhappy about these proceedings. Awww, look at the Girls Next Door! My boyfriend just pointed out that Courtney Love's arm flapped when she pointed to the Girls - but I was too busy staring at Bridget to notice. ZZ Top and Kid Rock are covering a song I remember hearing as a kid and wondering if ZZ Top were Jewish, partially because of the beards and partially because of their use of the word "tush". Kid Rock, on the other hand, is making me nauseous. Since when is he the go-to guy for classic rock cover collabos? First Jerry Lee Lewis on SNL, now this? Also, why is he doing the Axl Rose dance? OK, I'm seriously hungry.
Goodniiiiiiight Las Vegaaaaaas!