Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Killer Grannies, Zombie Dogs

In case you forgot, the world is declining into a pile of diet food, evil, and ugliness - collapsing like a flan in a cupboard, as Eddie Izzard says. If you were feeling up about life, get your head out of your ass and read on...

Forget diet food - just open wide and spritz some Flavor Spray on your tongue. New York chef David Burke, who obviously has nothing but contempt for the culinary arts and his fellow man, is marketing the Flavor Spray Diet. Go here to read more about the product, or to find Flavor Spray recipes like Flavor Spray Cauliflower Smashed, which "tastes just like Parmesan Potatoes!" By far the most nauseating concoction is Flavor Spray Whipped Topping - just 1/2 cup whipped cream with 2 sprays of Chocolate Fudge Spray, and 2 sprays of Cookies And Cream Spray. The website suggests you mix this with Root Beer Spray, and drop the whole mess into "diet chocolate flavored soda", which exists, apparently. Slurp!

Plans to create a virtual red light district with a "dot-xxx" URL tag have been delayed by the Bush administration, which sites concerns that this sort of tag might encourage more porn on the net. My sources tell me that Bush himself was concerned about the confusing "xxx" and "www" binary. He was overheard in conversation with a friend saying, "You could easily put the 'xxx' first, and the 'www' last. Or just put in the 'xxx' at the end by mistake. Because you thought it was 'www.' The same way you can easily type in "giant horse dick" when you meant to write "horse back riding lessons." I know I could make that mistake, especially if it were late at night or in the wee hours of the morning. That's a mistake any child could make."

Mobility scooters were the cause of 8 deaths and thousands of injuries last year in the UK; Bob Russell, Liberal Democrat MP for Colchester, reminds the BBC that these numbers are "not to be sneezed at."

Tale of Two Cities featured a story about the World's Ugliest Dog contest in (where else?) LA. To follow up, I have a small portrait gallery of Sam, the zombie hell-dog who won. This thing is ALIVE. Sometimes he chews his left foot. Click the pictures to see them full-size.

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