Thursday, January 26, 2006

Nobody Doesn't Like Sandra Lee

If you haven't seen Semi Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee on Food Network, marry up, quit your job, pop out some kids, and sit your pampered ass down in front of the TV at 5:30pm weekdays. The Ann Coulter of the culinary world, Sandra Lee strives to undermine Rachael Ray‘s "home cooking can be easy" message, and instead instructs us on the art of cooking canned foods – or not cooking at all. In fact, many of SL's recipes involve pre-prepared foods – because why cook when you can just buy? In fact, why not have a show called Ordering In With Sandra Lee?

A little quirk about the show, besides its concept and execution, is Sandra Lee’s visible discomfort having to touch or stand near food; she holds the tools of her trade (can openers) with her fingertips, as though they were covered in mucus. Another adorable touch is SL’s penchant for forcing terrified children like her niece Stephanie to cook WASP specialties with her on the show, in order to make herself seem more human. The contrast achieves the opposite effect, of course.

I can’t help but suspect (hope?) that Food Network knows that Sandra is on a fast track to train-wrecksville, and are counting down to the premier of Semi-Homemade Semi-Cooking with Sandra Lee (and Co) – in which Sandra milks a Cosmo while Consuela, her maid, cooks dinner. “Yurrr a dirty li’l TRAMP, Carmina,” she’ll say. “QuiĆ©n es Carmina?” Consuela will say, and Sandra Lee will slap her in the mouth. “English!” She’ll scream, squeezing Consuela’s cheeks with one hand. “Thissss my HOUSE an’ we oh’ly speak ENGLSHH!”

I can’t wait.

To close, here are some of my favorite Sandra Lee recipes:

Cotton Candy Bombs – arrange small scoops of store-bought strawberry and bubblegum (?!) ice cream on plate. Place a cloud of store-bought cotton candy on top.

Chive Cream Cheese and Cucumber Sandwiches – Mix chives into cream cheese. Spread 1 side of slice with the cream cheese. Top with a slices of cucumber and another slice of bread.

Cheesy Potatoes – heat packaged frozen potato pieces. Sprinkle generously with no-salt multi-purpose seasoning. Transfer to casserole dish and sprinkle with shredded cheese and crumbled bacon – bake in oven about 5 minutes –

…Wait, I think I lost you there, Sandra. Bake?

Children love this,


1 comment:

Justin said...

God, I love Sandra. I hope my future wife has the same je ne sais quoi (read: drunken haze).