Monday, March 06, 2006

Mel Gibson Killed Jesus: Time To Thank Your Mothers

*Note: Blogger got all overwhelmed and upset about my live blog, so I had to re-post - sorry if your comment got deleted anonymous, anonymous, and Joe John.

OK, so I started on this a little late, because my internet was down? But now i'm doing it. Live-blogging. This is the ultimate in frantic internet existance. I am writing down everything that's happening right now. This can't be healthy. OK, to recap:

First three minutes: 2 requisit gay jokes: Billy Crystal + Chris Rock, Jon Stewart + George Clooney.
Ten minutes in: Nicole Kidman tries to raise her eyebrows - twice.
Naomi Watts constructs a dress of dead skin:

Jon Stewart makes a scientology joke; reaction mixed.
Owen Wilson sounds like a cartoon duck.
Alex and I coin new term for cosmetic surgery: She's got jobs. As in, "Dolly Parton's got jobs." Similarly, frozen-botox forehead is termed Face Freeze, or Frion Face, as in - "Nicole Kidman has got serious frion face."
Colleen Atwood wins Best Costumes for Memoirs of a Geisha and Worst Target of a Thank You for "The People of Japan."
Morgan Freeman simulates oral sex.
Rachel Weisz wins for her impressive English-lady-in-a-doorway acting.
Jon Stewart says, "I am a loser."
Lauren Bacall is still a stunner.
Is that Stephen Colbert donig the "Best Actress ad campaigns" skit? "Dame Judy Dench took my eye out in a bar fight."
Best Song nominee for Crash = Nicole Kidman in a brunette wig?
Salma Hayek has a great dress (Versace):

9:40pm - First Brokeback win: Best Score. Riff at will.
9:55pm Jon Stewart says, "I believe Yitzak Perlman was finger-synching."
9:56pm Jake Gylenhaal looks dreamy, talks about something.
9:58pm Jon Stewart points out what everyone was thinking; the Oscars are a tribute to montages.
10:02pm Since Mel Gibson killed Jesus, everyone is thanking their mothers.
10:04pm Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin teach young Hollywood about timing.
10:13pm Weirdest/longest ad ever - directed by M. Night Shyamalan?
10:17pm I yell at my brother, "Stop bothering me! I'm BLOGGING!"
10:18pm Best Oscar Performance EVER: Three 6 Mafia yell, "It's hard out here for a pimp!" from a 'seedy living room' set while Pimp and Prostitute dancers do dramatic renditions of knife fights and street corner hooking. Lamé pants. Purses. Some random white guy. Female singer breaks it down with and yells "It's ha-a-a-a-a-ard out he-e-e-e-e-e-re for a...PI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMP!"
10;22pm HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Hell has frozen over. I don't think there have been this many black people on the Oscar stage ever before - unless you count Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston.
10:23pm First Jesus shout out.
10:26pm Jennifer Garner stumbles over heels, lines.
10:36pm Second most dramatic commercial ever with Robert DeNiro.
10:39pm Most intense acceptance speech: Tsotsi.
10:46pm THE BIG GUNS: Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote - fags out about his mom and friends, who he loves, he loves, he loves, he loves.
10:54pm On the film set, John Travolta tells us, the DP is the Director of Photography. On the porn film set, the DP is the ultimate sacrifice.
Uma Thurman has a great dress (Versace):

11:01pm Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon - who is "so blessed."
11:06pm Daddy Hoffman is awesome! Congratulates non-winning actors.
11:19pm Best Director: Ang Lee.
11:21pm I think Jack Nicholson is drunk: "Best mochin picture...
11:22pm Best Motion Picture goes to CRASH?!?! Apparently someone saw it!
11:23pm Start clapping: fairies everywhere just died.
11:27pm Jon Stewart wins Most Inoffensive Host.

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