Live Blogging The Billboard Music Awards

My plan tonight was not to live blog the Billboard Music Awards. Actually, my plan was to sit with an extremely talented designer buddy of mind and feed his creativity with free mind altering funpacks, but he never called to confirm. So, since Paris bowed out last minute, I figured there was room for one more. Reload frequently, since I'm keeping it all in one post.

I should also note that I was enticed to watch this show because the Girls Next Door girls are handing out the trophies, and I love - LOVE - Girls Next Door. Kendra looked so jazzed to give an award to Mary J. Blige.

8:30 pm - Fergie just finished. Did she say "1996"? And does she have to pee again? That, or a labotomy, may explain why she literally didn't move during her performance at all, besides a couple of seemingly tremulous steps forward.

8:34 pm - I like the Billboards because it's the one venue where it's not tacky to talk about your sales and your upcoming album drop.

8:35 pm - Nickelback win something. That was their song? Wow, I'm out of the loop. And wow, the perimeters of the definition of "rock" have expanded.

8:42 pm - COLLABO TIME! Pharell, Young Jeezy, and Ludacris are having some kind of sequential face off. I obviously don't get the reference with the giant 80's radio man on the monitor introducing each rapper with a color - Young Jeezy had black, and Luda has red so far - oops, here's Jeezy again. Luda is a lot more interesting to watch for some reason. Fittingly, Pharell's color is green - oops, except cris is still on stage. Awww, but Pharell is so cute when he tries to dance! He does something between the Harlem Shake, the Chicken Noodle Soup dance, and that dance little kids do at Bar Mitzvahs where it's not entirely on beat and they're just kind of bouncing from the knees.

8:50 pm - Is there something hot about Jesse Metcalf and Kathy Griffin flirting across the decades? No, of course not. I need to eat dinner.

8:51 pm - Didn't Walk The Line come out like, two years ago?

8:58 pm - Who is this person with Danity Kane? And who is this Danity Kane person anyway? He looks like a tool. Just kididng. I watched Making The Band, relax.

9:00 pm - Loving T.I.'s sign off for his album drop - "Coming soon - be about it." Denise Richards' voice just cracked.

9:01 pm - ATTENTION: The Big Question of the Night! Since when is every female pop star trying to sound like Peaches?

Also, why is Gwen Stefani bastardizing the Sound of Music? Woah, there's a big fat man hitting a giant drum! You know, I'm kind of liking Gwen Stefani's new chanting thing. I also like thinking about how she's a mom. I also love her jumpsuit. Cute jumpsuit!

9:01 pm How embarassing for Def Leppard to give an award to Three Days Grace.

9:25 pm So, Stevie Wonder is standing there in this spectacular orange suit - which really deserves capitals, so Orange Suit - and talking about Tony Bennett being his dear friend. Someone apparently stole all of Stevie Wonder's luggage. Who the flying hell would steal Stevie Wonder's luggage? Aww, Bridget (Girls Next Door) is guiding Stevie! She must be so excited.

9:45 pm - Oh, Mary! Mary J. Blige just brought down the house - granted that the competition wasn't exactly stiff - or rather, it was completely stiff, with Fergie standing completely still, and Gwen chanting her way through her set.

9:47pm - Carrie Underwood, blah blah blah. Oh, it's Janice Dickinson! I love Janice Dickinson!

9:53 pm - Artist of the Year...AT LONG LAST! Rascal Flats? Did they seriously cover that song? I'm so glad I have no idea what's going on in popular culture these days. Just kidding. I totally know all these songs. The Killers sound really unhappy about these proceedings. Awww, look at the Girls Next Door! My boyfriend just pointed out that Courtney Love's arm flapped when she pointed to the Girls - but I was too busy staring at Bridget to notice. ZZ Top and Kid Rock are covering a song I remember hearing as a kid and wondering if ZZ Top were Jewish, partially because of the beards and partially because of their use of the word "tush". Kid Rock, on the other hand, is making me nauseous. Since when is he the go-to guy for classic rock cover collabos? First Jerry Lee Lewis on SNL, now this? Also, why is he doing the Axl Rose dance? OK, I'm seriously hungry.

Goodniiiiiiight Las Vegaaaaaas!

~Andrea