Monday, March 12, 2007


Hey ya'll. I'm back. For now. I think. I know, it's been hard without me, and trust that it's been difficult on my end too. But I'm back, and I think pop culture owes me an explanation.
For one thing:

Britney Spears
Hi, what? Britney Spears gets to be a bulimic Jewish skinhead single mother of two? Since when do rich people get to have problems? They don't, Britney Spears. You're appropriating, and it's not fair. You also don't get to be a skinhead and a Jewish lady at the same time. Even Jewish men aren't allowed to shave their forelocks, and you've gone right past forelocks into American History X territory. Not to mention the tattoos, which is a straight up violation of Jewish - sorry, Kabbalistic - law. So hands off the star, Spears; we have enough trouble as it is. You'd do better with a chastity belt and a traceable collar with a direct line to the Promises staff. Speaking of which...


OK, Hollywood. You've always loved giving yourself awards, and now that you're bored with awards, you're giving yourself treatments...for every problem that exists. Nasty habit of throwing phones at the help? Let rehab coddle your ego even more. Caught snorting half of Colombia? Rehab's the ticket. Lacking a work ethic? Head on down to rehab. How about this: Naomi Campbell doesn't have an anger management problem, she has a bitch with an enormous sense of entitlement problem. She needs to age badly and find a husband who will make her feel just a little bit worthless every now and again. Kate Moss needs a new boyfriend and some time with the kids, and Lindsay Lohan needs, oh I don't know - a parent. Britney Spears, Nicole Richie, and now Marc Jacobs - does every problem need a 28 day solution?

More to follow in the next better prepare yourself, pop culture; I'm giving you a bigger once over than VH1.

Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend,


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