This Is Embarassing

I don't know why...but it is. [New York Mag]

NYE/C

For you suckers who want to attempt to live it up on New Years in New York, events range from the low key loft party (they’re back!!) to the $100+ champagne toast. Me, I’ll be in front of the Twilight Zone marathon with a pot of peppermint Schnapp’s cocoa and a passel of drugs. I’ve listed NYE events alphabetically by venue, and asterixes mean I’d go if I were held at knife point, or if were a big fat sucker like you. And because I did all this work, I skimped out on the rest of the week. I’m tired, there was a strike, it’s Hannukah, blah blah blah.

Today Rahzel @ Warsaw, 8pm, $20
Today Other Music holiday party @ APT, FREE
Today We Bite! @ Happy Ending, FREE

Tomorrow It Sucked! Awards @ UCB Theatre, 8pm, $5
Tomorrow Death Disco @ Delancey Lounge, 8pm, FREE

Thu 12.29 Distortion Disko @ Duvet, 11pm, FREE w/RSVP
Fri 12.30 Dirty Down @ Lit, FREE, bar 12-1 (flyer)

Fri 12.30 Motherfucker NYE-E Bash @ Avalon, 10pm, $15 (flyer)


NYE BRKLYN TUNING LFFT PRTY @ 138 S4th, Wburg, $20 w/open bar
NYE Valeze loft party @ 301w18th, 9pm, $20 w/RSVP (flyer)

**NYE Cut Loft Party @ 400 S2nd Apt 201, Wburg, FREE w/full bottle
**NYE Giraffes Death to ’05 @ Ace Of Clubs, 10pm, $20 (flyer)

NYE NYE @ APT, 10pm, $100 (flyer)

NYE KUDU + Roy Dank + @ Asterisk, 11pm, $15 w/RSVP (flyer)

NYE James Brown @ BB King, 8pm, $150
**NYE Patti Smith @ Bowery Ballroom, 9pm, $55
NYE Tussle + Tra La La DJ @ Cake Shop, 8pm, $10
**NYE Alldisco @ Capone’s, 10pm, $5 w/RSVP (flyer)

NYE Q-Tip v. ?uestlove @ Crash Mansion, 9pm, $10 w/RSVP
**NYE DJ Princess Superstar + @ Delancey, 9pm, $15 adv
**NYE Misshapes party @ Don Hill’s, 10pm, $? (flyer)

NYE Veronika Sweet + Dansettes + @ Galapagos, 8pm, $35
**NYE Radio 4 + Roxy Pain + @ Knitting Factory, 9:45pm, $20 adv
**NYE Ambulance Ltd + Levy + @ Mercury Lounge, $25
NYE Celebration (the band) w/food & champagne @ Monkeytown, 11:30pm, $25
NYE GBH Party @ Movida, 8pm, $100
**NYE They Might Be Giants @ Northsix, 7:30pm/11pm, $20
NYE Moustache Rock @ Pianos, 7:30pm, $30
NYE DJ Synapse @ Red & Black, 9:30pm, $10 (flyer)

**NYE Pete Rock @ Rothko, 9pm, $65 adv, bar 10-2am (flyer)

NYE 12 Hr Party People @ Royal Oak, 8pm, $tba (flyer)

**NYE Fur Cups For Teeth + @ Rubulad, 338 Flushing Ave, 10pm, $15
**NYE Rated X Extravaganza! @ Scenic, $15 w/flyer (below)

NYE Eric Nies NYE @ Sequioa Pier 17, 9pm, $125 w/RSVP
NYE Jimmy Gnecco @ Sin-e, 8pm, $20 adv
NYE The Rub @ Southpaw, 9pm, $25 (flyer)

NYE tons of bands @ Tonic, 9pm, $75
NYE The Choke + Everyothers @ Trash Bar, 10pm, $8 (bar 9-10)
NYE A+ @ ?, 11pm, FREE (+ info) w/RSVP

Sun 1.1 Patti Smith + Penny Arcade Reading @ St. Mark’s Church, 3pm, $8
Sun 1.1 Tron @ Moving Image, 6:30pm,
Mon 1.2 Nightmare on Elm St @ Rififi, 10pm, FREE (flyer)

We Are All Scientists

We Are Scientists are indeed the SPIN Band Of The Month in the January 2006 "Year In Music" issue.

SPIN resident writer Jessica Grose, professional journalist and underpaid genius, wrote a review of their latest effort, Of Love & Squalor (sigh...), which is almost as catchy as the little pop gem itself.

My body is your body,

~Andrea

Da Nooz

We Are Scientists knocked 'em dead at the SPIN party, and quite a number of ladies sang along to their biggish songs and jumped up in down in an apparent frenzy. It was, possibly, the funniest thing I have ever witnessed. Keith Murray's hair worked overtime, as did Chris Cain's specs. And Tapper may as well have been 12 drummers drumming the way he be hittin' that shit like what! Pictures to follow, but in the meantime, check out their new video:

We Are Scientists - "It's A Hit"

Full-House Monkey: Sigh...the Gray Lady has caught on to another place I love, thus inevitably ruining it forever - RIP, Monkeytown!!

In other news, kids actually want to music videos (thanks Guava) and...watch out for Ann Coulter: cokehead conservative.

And never one to miss a ride on the bandwagon, I present you with the funniest SNL skit you've seen in years, for free downloadables.

Andy Samberg + Chris Parnell - "Lazy Sunday" (Chronic(what?)les of Narnia)

I miss the subway like I miss my youth...

~Andrea

Strike Two!

Dedicated reader, I was supposed to give you a second day of Shit List yesterday, but I got distracted by an hour-and-a-half 4.4 mile hike from Park Slope to Chinatown (if you want proof, click here!). So to make up for my ADD ways, you get two delicious Shit List DO's today, and only one disgusting, coal-flavored DON'T. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's a recap of what Shit List means to me:

The "Shit List" is a running series of lists of shit that win our affection, with comprable shit that does not. The First Shit List, in celebration of Christ's birth, is a list of shit we want in our Christmas sock, interspersed with shit we seriously do not fucking want. And without further ado, allow me to present the presents:

The Twelve Days Of

On the second day of Shit List my true love gave to me...

2 Beacon's Closets!
Ah, guilt-free consumption, how I love thee. You allow me to indulge my taste for haute couture, Gap sweater vests, and the purchase of stylishly dead animals, without a thought for the poor little furries who make up my coat, or the poor little children who made it. Now, national thrift chain Buffalo Exchange has opened its doors on Driggs and N9th in Williamsburg, to give guilt-free mecca Beacon’s Closet a run for it’s marked-down money (dress at left from BE's online store, $35) Great place to buy a pretty little something for your favorite blogger…or me.


Employee Benefits (for you and for me)
And on the guilt-free theme: Just in time for the holidays, sell your body to get a job at American Apparel! Then share your discount with me. Do you understand what the employee discount is? Do you?! Help me replenish my supply of total basics, like lamé hot shorts and spandex unitards (my black one is great, but I need one in “asphalt”).


Instead of...

Employment Evidence
Don’t re-gift your office swag. I’ve barely even worn slogan shirts in my life, let alone the HBO logo. Exceptions: if you work in the military, I’ll take purple hearts and weaponry. If you work at a fashion magazine, Cornerstone, Flavorpill, or another publication, promotions agency, or “young creative” firm, you’ve got some nice books, box sets, clothes, promo packs and samples of things lying around. In that case, use your judgment – you’re a tastemaker, after all.

And there it is. Look forward to the other Twelve Days of Shitlist over the next, um....The next 10 days. And look forward to my insight on the SPIN Holiday party and other delights shortly. And buy me something good at Buffalo Exchange. Walking shoes, preferably.

Staying true to the TWU,

~Andrea

Event list 12.19.05

*Ed. Note: If you are going out tonight, you're out of your mind.

Everyone’s in town to celebrate Christ’s birth – or to wage a full-out war on him, his dumb family, and anyone who likes him. Since I don’t watch the news, I’m not sure what all this hype about the War on Christmas is about, but I’d like President Bush and his cabinet to know that I fully support the military effort. If we can seek out and kill whoever decided to combine all the holidays into hair-brained compound words like Christmakwanzukah, icing on the cake. Meanwhile, Silver Jews tickets for the Webster Hall 3.17 show are on sale now, and the Pixies live double CD Hey – Live Pixies has been released exclusively on eMusic (nice win, Yancey). I plan to download it tonight.


QUICKIE: on 12.2 Fat Baby was raided during the LEVY / Loose Records party, as was Tonic, Scenic, and Rothko…I can’t believe I missed Morrisey Park’s closing party on Saturday, and more to the point, I can’t believe Morrisey Park is closing. Where will I be when downtown New York becomes a suburb of the financial district?

The answer is, wherever there are Asterixes – that is if I can get my ass out of Brooklyn and the TWU doesn’t strike…

Today 6 Guys, 6 Bands, 20 Mins @ Tommy’s Tavern, 8pm, $5
*Today SPIN Year In Music @ Rothko, 8pm, invite only
Today So Jewtastic @ VH1, 9pm, FREE
Today The Burning @ Rififi, 10pm, FREE (flyer)
Today Unholyoke @ Pianos, 10pm, FREE (flyer)

Today Retail Mafia @ Sway, 10pm, FREE (flyer)

Today secret show @ Cake-Shop (anyone?)

Tomorrow Cheeseburger @ Delancey, 8pm, $5
Tomorrow We Bite @ Happy Ending, FREE

Wed 12.21 John Waters Xmas @ Bowery, 8pm, $35 adv
Wed 12.21 Death Disco @ Delancey, 8pm, FREE
Wed 12.21 Polaroid Party @ American Apparel Wburg, FREE, bar 8-11pm
Wed 12.21 Spank Rock @ Luke + Leroy, 9pm, FREE (flyer)

Wed 12.21 Mass Appeal @ 6's & 8's, FREE w/password: Joanne Carolino (flyer)
Wed 12.21 The Ad Lib @ Sway, FREE
Thu 12.22 Spinto Band @ Southpaw, 8pm, $10
*Fri 12.23 Paris v. Pamela @ Monkeytown, 7:30 / 10pm, $8
Fri 12.23 Ben LaVain @ Pianos, 9:30pm, $8
Sat 12.24 What I Like About Jew @ Knitting Factory, 7/9pm, $18 adv
Sat 12.24 Balkan Beat Box @ Southpaw, 8pm, $15 adv (flyer)

Sat 12.24 Heebonism @ Happy Valley, 9pm, $20
Sat 12.24 Christmas Eve @ China 1, 6pm, FREE (flyer)

*Sun 12.25 Funny Girl + Chinese @ Pioneer Theater, 4pm, $20
Mon 12.26 “& The” Double Feature @ Pioneer, 6:30pm, $13
Mon 12.26 Eugene Mirman DJ Party @ Scenic, 10pm, FREE

Given that it is our namesake and source of inspiration, we at Shitparade have rather an affection for shit, and by "we" I mean I, Andrea, have said affection. Also, as many of my friends know, I'm a compulsive list-maker. So, I've decided to start a regularly running "Shit List" – lists of shit that win my affection. But back in reality, "Shit List" usually refers to a list of people or things that the list maker dislikes, or against which the list-maker has a personal vendetta – hence, " You're all on my shit list!" or "I'm on your shit list too and I'm the team captain!" How to reconcile the double meaning?

Here's how: The First Shit List, in celebration of Christ's birth, will be a list of shit we want in our Christmas sock, interspersed with shit we seriously do not fucking want. And without further ado, allow me to present:

The Twelve Days Of

On the first day of Shit List my true love gave to me...

Designer Depravity
If you forgot to get me a birthday present, you can pick up pretty much anything from Citizen Citizen, and I will be down. My personal favorite is the gold-plated Bic pen cap coke spoon (left) - for novelty, of course. Other masterpieces of modern design include the cross-shaped scrubbing brush, the blood rug, and the bulletproof ballistic nylon brooch. It's the collection of home items I'd design if I could design things. Please oh please oh please oh please. I'll act surprised, promise. Sigh.

Instead of...

Designer Dick
There's something about too-thought-out, too-serious sex toys which is a turn off. If someone hands you a gold-plated vibrator, for example, you know several things: 1) they spent $250 on a vibrator. 2) They know nothing about female pleasure (cold metal? Nope). 3) They're the kind of person who says shit like "my young lover" and "I miss your touch" in all seriousness, and they're going to ask you to use this thing while they watch – and while you do, they're gonna say something embarassing, like "I'll only accept the very best for your body". Yech.

And there you have it. Look forward to the other Twelve Days of Shitlist in the next week. Because we at Shitparade don't always have our (heh heh) shit together, I started a little later than intended, so we're going to pass the Xmas Day mark. Which means presents forever. Because I love you.

Single black female addicted to retail,

Andrea

"The Wild West Adventures Of A Strictly Kosher Cowboy"

Finally, lost classic The Frisco Kid, starring Gene Wilder and a young Harrison Ford, will be out on DVD in February 2006. Directed by Rober Aldrich (Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, The Flight of the Phoenix, The Dirty Dozen) and co-written by Michael Elias (The Jerk), Frisco Kid follows Polish yeshiva shlemeil Avram Belinski (Wilder) on his mission across the Wild West to San Francisco, where he has promised to head a synagogue. On the way, he meets desperado Tommy Dillard (Ford), who helps guide him across the country. Contrary to what Roger Ebert might tell you, this is one of the funniest movies ever made - Gene Wilder is a genius, and it's possible the only time in Harrison Ford's career where he was required to actually act. And in case you were wondering (which you were), this was made post Episode IV and pre Episode V. If I only I could have it in time for Christmas movie-and-Chinese day!

Don't smile, look sad,

~Andrea

Crazy Little Pimp Called Love

Fiddy + Queen = gayest shit ever, best album art.

Q-Unit - Greatest Hits

Bohemian Wanksta,

~Andrea

Looking At Looking At Lookbook

Alexa Steinberg (Wes '04), who once inflamed the minds and hearts of students - or whoever it is that reads Argus - and published a think piece in The Nation, can most recently be found snarking off about an old lady's clothes in Gawker column "Looking at the Look Book". Peer into your post-graduate future, Wesleyan:

Alexa Steinberg, April 2001: "The Article I wrote for the April 3rd issue of the Argus, "Asian American Students Ponder Alienation at Wes", seems to have caused a lot of commotion on campus. This is a good thing. What was intended to be a mere report on the Asian and Asian American Awareness Convocation unexpectedly became a catalyst for discussions of racial issues at Wesleyan."

Alexa Steinberg, April 2005: "The PART findings...are misleading. The zero rating is based on the responses OMB officials and program administrators gave to yes-or-no questions such as: 'Does the program demonstrate improved efficiencies and cost effectiveness in achieving program goals each year?' 'Does the performance of this program compare favorably to other programs with similar purpose and goals?' On the PART for adult education grants, the response to each of these questions was 'no.' Why? The Department of Education never established measurable long-term or annual performance goals for the adult literacy program."

Alexa Steinberg, December 2005: "Meooow! Upper East Side Ice Queen Alert."

From solemn, to promising and well-researched, to snarky and sobered, all in one year! Oh, the places you'll go (Park Slope), Oh, the blogs you will write...

Not talking 'bout the man in the mirror,

Andrea

Event List 12.12.05

The Nightlife Is Dying update: Dark Room was shut down by police last week; not sure what ended up as the violation cited. I have yet to read the last Time Out, which was all about New York’s dying nightlife. You can see pictures of this past Saturday’s Misshapes at Don Hill’s here – seems like it was a success, but then again, these photographers could make a dog run look like the Playboy Mansion.

Listen to the DFA1979 cover of Bloc Party’s “Luno” here, then buy the whole VICE Gets Incestuous EP. Bloc Party covers Chromeo’s “Needy Girl” – fucking amazing - while Chromeo remixes Death From Above, and MSTRKRFT remixes DFA and Panthers. Yes, yes, and yes.

Today Tommy Lee Jones + Al Gore @ Moving Image, 6:30pm, $18
Today Jason And The Argonauts @ Pioneer Theater, 7pm, $9
Today Cordless Launch @ Crash Mansion, 8pm, FREE w/RSVP (flyer)

Today Mangina + Valmonte Sprout @ Mo Pitkin’s, 10pm, $10
Today The Howling @ Rififi, 10pm, FREE (flyer)

Today NextAid @ Beauty Bar, FREE (flyer)

Today aNYthing Afterparty @ Sway, bar 10-11:30pm, FREE (flyer)


Tomorrow I Heart X-Mas @ I-Heart Store, 7pm, FREE, red stripe, (flyer)

Tomorrow Rize v. Paris is Burning @ Monkeytown, 8pm, FREE
*Tomorrow Diamond Nights + Giraffes + Stylofone @ Bowery, 8pm, $15
*Tomorrow Stylofone Unofficial Afterparty @ Pianos, FREE
Tomorrow Mani Pedi @ Delancey, FREE (flyer)

Tomorrow We Bite @ Happy Ending, FREE
Tomorrow Cockfights @ Fat Baby, FREE (flyer)


*Wed 12.14 Orchard Holiday Party @ Altria, 3pm
Wed 12.14 Hot Messenger Boy Casting Call @ Pitch Control PR, 6pm (flyer)

Wed 12.14 Jameson Appreciation Night @ Common Ground, 7pm, FREE w/RSVP
Wed 12.14 Cliktrax Screening @ American Apparel, 8pm, FREE, bar 8-10
Wed 12.14 Blockhead @ Joe's Pub, 11pm, Free w/RSVP (flyer)

Thu 12.15 JD's Lesbian Utopia Launch @ Deitch 76 Grand St, 6pm, FREE (flyer)

Thu 12.15 Tomorrow’s Friend @ Mercury Lounge, 8pm, $10 adv
Thu 12.15 Glorious Mustache Challenge @ Crash Mansion, 8pm, FREE w/RSVP
*Thu 12.15 A-List feat. The Double @ Delancey, 10pm, FREE w/RSVP (flyer)

Fri 12.16 Howard Stern’s Big Bash @ 40 W 57th, 11am, FREE
Fri 12.16 Christmas Cider / Candle-making @ S. St. Seaport, 6pm, FREE
Fri 12.16 Rum Tasting @ S. St. Seaport, 7pm, FREE
Fri 12.16 The Warriors @ Moving Image, 7:30pm, $10
Fri 12.16 The Fugue @ Kingsland Tavern, 8pm, $7
*Fri 12.16 NYPress Bar Crawl @ Long Tan, 8pm, FREE w/RSVP
Fri 12.16 XLR8R Holiday Party @ APT, 9pm, FREE
Fri 12.16 Nighttime @ Don Hill’s, $8, Sparks 10-12 (flyer)

Fri 12.16 Cutnyc.com Launch / Dirty Down @ Lit, bar 12-1, FREE (flyer)

Sat 12.17 La Superette @ Exit Art, FREE
Sat 12.17 The Dark Crystal @ Symphony Space, 7pm, $10
Sat 12.17 All Dolled Up @ Pioneer Theater, 10:15pm, $9
Sat 12.17 Tra La La @ Mercury Lounge, 11:30pm, $10
Sat 12.18 Misshapes @ Don Hill's, FREE
Sat 12.18 After Hours @ Cotton (105 W 27th), FREE 4-4:30am
Mon 12.19 6 Guys, 6 Bands, 20 Mins @ Tommy’s Tavern, 8pm, $5
*Mon 12.19 SPIN Year In Music @ Rothko, invite only

Shitparade takes a page out of the Trent handbook...

Kim and Nicole embraced at Wednesday's ANTM Finale event in LA.

Kim experimented with some kind of gold lamé situation (David?). Very...seasonal? A little on the figure skater side? Who does this remind me of?...ah yes. Prometheus.Now then...Kim also brought the always lovely Amy, who didn't get the benefit of a caption on the Getty website......Miss Jay Alexander got her gender confused with that of a casket's interior......and we got to revisit some old friends. I just reread that, and it's the saddest thing I've ever written. Sheesh.Puttin' it to bed,~Andrea