Sham Pain For My Sham Friends

Here at Shitparade, we have a little tradition called "Alex needs to get out more", in which Alex, a sometime-contributor to the parade and always-hilarious insomniac, addresses the types of issues that seem important when you've been awake for two full days watching The Sopranos, writing final papers, and eating those sausage-and-cheese sticks most people ignore at the deli counters. In other words, when you're legally insane, and probably malnourished. Past topics have included the syntax of Epson advertisements and an elegy for the world's ugliest dog. So you can imagine our excitement to learn that none other than Sean Carter - yes, Mr. H to the Izzo himself - is in the practice of staying awake for two full days with a DVD box set, a laptop, and those sausage-and-cheese packs too.

What else could explain his "champagne campaign" to free the hip hop world of Cristal? Apparently, Mr. Carter considers Cristal racist because of statements made by Frederic Rouzaud, the managing director of champagne umbrella company Louis Roederer. When asked by The Economist whether the association with hop hop could hurt the company's image, Roederer responded, "That's a good question, but what can we do? We can't forbid people from buying it. I'm sure Dom Perignon or Krug would be delighted to have their business." The article's author continues, "Both Dom Perignon and Krug have had their share of unwelcome attention, too." In response, Jay released a statement Wednesday inaccurately fuming that Rouzaud "views the 'hip hop' culture as 'unwelcome attention'". He also vowed to replace the $450-600 bottles of Cristal available at 40/40 and his other sports clubs with Dom Perignon and Krug.

Asked whether he would denounce bling to protest the infamously oppressive African diamond trade, or trade in his Mercedes because of it's roots in Nazi Germany, Jay-Z jumped into his bling-encrusted Benzo, gave a hearty "Sieg heil, son!", and took to the Hills.

So, in honor of his fearless confrontation of an issue that must have seemed gravely important at 3:30am on Tuesday, we award Jay-Z a customized, blinged-out, honorary "Alex needs to get out more" plaque:

This year's nominees also included Whole Foods, who have decided to stop stocking live lobsters and soft shell crabs because of the inhumane storage of the animals. The slow boiling death that follows purchase naturally didn't come up.